


Seven days of Alpha trolls

by Anon_H, YugoTokusatsu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Everyone Is Alive, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Post-Game, Quadrant Confusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1746209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YugoTokusatsu/pseuds/YugoTokusatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Alpha trolls conclude that Karkat is quite the eligible bachelor, a race for his quadrants begins. The subject of their affection is less than pleased with this ordeal.</p><p>Will they succeed in keeping their game a secret from Kankri? Will Karkat's sanity remain in tact? And just who will manage to seduce the Knight of Blood?</p><p>Now: the thrilling conclusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Hoover your mouse over japanese gibberish for translation**

**\-- casualArtist [CA] opened memo: vwantas not allovwed--**

CA: look aliwve people.  
CA: see, that’s kinda funny.  
CA: since the game is owver and we are technically aliwve nowv and all that.  
CA: i feel like wve really came together as a team at the final moments.  
CA: that wvas really beautiful.  
CA: i really felt like wve all shared a connection at that moment.

\--cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--

CC: holy shit crone  
CC: da fuck you want now?  
CC: and why you usin this piece a shit memo again?  
CA: it is the only place kankri does not come because he knowvs it wvould inadvwertently trigger me.  
CC: good to know that being a massive BASS)(OL-E still pays off  
CA: meenah, i am a troll wvith feelings.  
CA: please take em into consideration.  
CC: oh T)(AT is fuckin cash  
CC: is this the point you start yer act of trynna hit on me?  
CC: cause i swear you be dead again faster than a guppy in a pond filled with murderfish  
CA: please meenah, havwe some fucking dignity.  
CA: i am so owver you, it’s not ewven funny.  
CC: ya know NORMALLY i would consider this a cullworthy offinse  
CC: but wit you im just glad i got cha off my dorsal fin  
CC: probably wont last two weeks but imma take what i can get  
CC: so what is the fuckin deal with ya today?  
CC: lost yer guitarpick?  
CC: or the whole writers block incitrident again?  
CC: an why you postin on this piece a bullshark memo again?  
CC: please pretend i care  
CA: none a those things happened.   
CA: and I’m posting here because this must ABSOLUTELY stay awvay from kankri.  
CA: i am dead serious, if he finds out wve wvont hear the end of it.  
CA: so can I trust you not to bubble aboat this to kankri?  
CC: FIS)(Y PUNS!  
CC: MY TROLL ACHILLES EEL!  
CA: right, wvell……  
CA: am i the only one who thinks kankri’s dancestor is FUCKIN hot?

\--terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--  
\--ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--  
\--genderAberrance [GA] joined memo--  
\--assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo--  
\--antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--  
\--twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--  
\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--  
\--cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--

CA: oh NOWV they showv up.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL THIS NEW SUBJECT IS MUCH MORE INPURESTING THEN THE WRITERSBLOCK THING.  
AT: k1nda stretching your puns there doll…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG I DON’T EVEN CARE RUFIOH!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ CRONUS HAS A CRUSH!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I REPEAT, CRONUS HAS A CRUSH!  
CA: wvell I wvouldnt call it THAT necessarily, but you guys see wvhere im coming from right?  
AA:彼はかわいい残部を持っています。  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE HAS A CUTE BUTT!  
GA: No+, I can certainly see his appeal.  
AG: I 8egrudingly admit, he is very attractive. There is about the way he carries himself, which is simultaneously commanding and incredi8ly endearing.  
GC: d4mn p33ps, you gotz 1t b4d!  
TA: M0R L1K3 7H3Y 4T3 4 BUNCT OF L053R5 LM41  
TC: [:o)](http://www.gifsforum.com/images/gif/i'd%20hit%20it/grand/stewie_would_hit_gif.gif)   
CC: WOA)( )(OLD IT T)(E GLUB UP!  
CC: ya’ll anglin fo my shouty?  
CC: suckerfishes forgettin I called dibbs like, forever ago.  
GA: Indeed. Like, fo+rever ago+…  
AT: yeah…you never really made a move when ya’ll came back to l1fe and all…  
CT: 8==D< I concur. You have had ample of opportunities to build a stable relationship, like the one I share with Rufioh.  
AT: err…  
AT: yeah…  
CC: we neva reelly had a chance to sit down an glub things over.  
CC: shit is personal to the max so keep yer grubby paws of him ya hear!  
CA: that is so unfair.  
CA: if you aint making a mowve then vwhy aren’t wve allowved too?  
AG: Well, that would 8e a 8it unfair. Meenah is just a 8it more 8ashful than she is letting on.  
CC: W)(AT?!  
CC: do i look like a bashful betta fish to ya serks?  
AG: Not at all. 8ut we can’t rule it out. The fact that you have 8een reluctant in making a move on Karkat does seem to indicate a certain measure of 8ashfulness.  
GA: It is no+thing to+ be ashamed o+f meenah.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ITS KINDA CUTE  
CC: I AM NOT BAS)(FUL!  
CA: wvell good. then I am sure you don’t mind us taking a shot at that vantas.  
GC: sh1t cron3bro, you s3r1ous bout g3tt1ng 1t on w1th k4nkr1z d4nc3stor?  
GC: wh3n d1d you st4rt g3tt1ng th3 hotz for h1m 4nyw4y?  
CA: alright, i feel like i have some explaining to do.  
AA:どうぞ、行う、ない  
CA: you knowv kankri is a bit of a looker right?  
GA: O+h definitely.  
GC: y34h, 1 gu3ss…….  
CA: but he aint exactly one to settle dowvn any time soon.  
CA: because of his issues.  
TA: MO73 L1K3 H3 15 4 L1TTL3 B1TCH 4N NO GRUDFUCKN MUS74RD C4N S74ND H1M!  
GC: tun4!  
TA: WH47?!  
TA: 3V3RYO3N W45 THNKN 17.  
GC: st1ll rud3..  
TA: OH….. 5ORRY TUL1P.  
GC: 1s cool mt.  
AT: so let me get th1s stra1ght…  
AT: meenah wants to get together w1th karkat…  
CC: wat’s it to you nitram?!  
AT: and cronus also wants to get w1th karkat…  
CA: wvell kinda, yeah.  
GA: And all o+f this because he is kind o+f like Kankri witho+ut the do+wnsides?  
CA: do you really think i am that shallow porrim?  
GA: Yes.  
CC: YEA)(  
AG: Oh most certainly.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOU ARE DEFURNITELY THAT SHALLOW!  
AA:その、ほとんどかわいい、あなたはどれくらい悲しいか。  
CA: wvowv you guys are assholes.  
AT: anyway you two are both try1ng to get 1nto karkat’s quadrant?  
CA: yup.  
CC: i guess.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ITS LIKE ONE OF MY ANIMES!  
TA: W3LL 455HOL5 YOU B3773R R4C3 7O S33 WHO GT5 TO 5UCK H15 D1K WUR57  
CT: 8==D< How incredibly naughty Captor.  
CC: more like incredabubbly inappropriate!  
CA: seriously wvhat the hell?  
TA: OH….. 50RRY.  
CC: its why we luv ya tuna.  
TA: TH3N 5HOW M3 TH3M 7177135 4LR34DY B14THCP.  
GA: Yo+u are very patient with him Latula.  
GC: h3 1s 4 r34l sw33ty 1f you know how to t4lk to h1m.  
GC: 41nt that r1ght tun4?  
TA: N0.  
GC: tun4…  
TA: F1N. 8U7 JU57 FR U.  
CA: actually, i think he has the right idea.  
CC: I AM NOT S)(OWING MY BROOBS ASSHOLE!  
TC: [:o)](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8207626496/h4E0A778C/)   
CA: no, not that.   
CA: no one wvants to see your non-existent cleawvage meenah.  
AA:私は行います。  
CA: im talking about the race.  
CA: lets make this a game to see wvho wvins karkat’s quadrants.  
GA: That so+unds incredibly disrespectful.  
CC: seariously!  
CA: wvhat, you think karkat wvill like me better?  
CC: P)(A)(  
CC: say what you will aboat nubbs, least he gots style as opposed to some guppies round this pond.  
CT: 8==D< So sh001d we conc100de that the racehorse is indeed on?  
AT: b1t of a stretch horuss…  
CT: 8==D< I apologize dear.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG! THIS SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH FUN!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT TO JOIN!  
CC: W)(AT?!  
CA: vwhat?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHAT?  
AG: Meulin, are you serious about getting in a quadrant with Kankri’s dancestor?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ HE IS PRETTY CUTE, SO I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET TO KNOW HIM.  
CC: you clam not be searious.  
TA: FCK Y 3V3N C4R3 BOU7 K4NKR15 DUM DE3SC3N7D4N7.  
CA: hawve you SEEN him?  
TA: N0.  
GA: Mituna, I believe y+ou have seen Karkat.  
TA: N0.  
GA: Is this ano+ther o+ne o+f yo+ur mo+o+ds?  
TA: N0.  
TA: N0.  
TA: N0.  
GA: Sigh.  
CC: I think we are losing the glubbin point here t  
CC: here aint gonna be no conchpetition between me, ampora and leijon!  
CA: too late.  
CA: wve are doing this.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YAY!  
TA: LM400F.  
CC: so we R---EELLY doin this huh?  
CC: cronus and leijon are gonna try and fish in my pond? fin.  
CC: are there any OT)(ER BASS)(OL---ES that wanna try and nab nubby from me?  
TC: [:o)](http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140227005220/degrassi/images/9/9b/Hermione_-_hand_raise.gif)   
AA:あなたの苦痛は私の楽しみです。  
CC: AR---E YOU FOR R---EAL?!  
AG: This is 8ecoming increasingly hectic, so this may not 8e the 8est time to mention this…..  
AG: 8ut he is one of the very few people who actually seems to have a genuine interest in my stories. I feel like he really gets it and despite his angry demeanor, I feel like there’s something more.  
CC: e tu serks?  
AG: Well…… Perhaps more on the level Meulin is participating on. In that I see this more as an opportunity to see if there is a spark at all than to try and snatch your potential matesprit away.   
AG: He does intrigue, and if there is more I may just have to resort to such a course of action.  
AG: If push comes to shove, I do apologize.  
CC: who knew there was a down-side to having you become a cool pirate 8itch serket?  
AG: You have to admit…… He IS very good looking.  
CC: I KNOW!  
CA: I KNOW!  
TC: [:o)](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/5uy.gif)   
TA: PH4H4H4H4 YOR 4LL LOZ3R.  
CT: 8==D< I find it very encouraging to see them all follow their vascular b100dpumping vessels like this.  
AT: yeah, but a1nt 1t a b1t we1rd…  
AT: s1x of them are compet1ng for one guy…  
GC: 1 know.  
GC: w3 g3t to b3 th3 judg3s >8]  
GC: c4n 1 g3t 4 h3ll y34h?  
CA: vwhat are you talking about pyrope?  
GC: 3v3ryon3 g3ts on3 d4y to try 4nd 1mpr3ss k4rk4t.  
GC: put on 4 f4c3pl4nt 4nd th3 n3xt g3ts 4 shot 4t th4t v4nt-4ss.  
AG: I 8elieve you have 8een waiting all day to use that one.  
GC: p4ych3ck g3ts f1rst blood fo r34l, th3n cron3bro c4us3 h3 c4ll3d s3cond d1bbs 4nd th3n th3 r3st g3ts chos3n through m4d RNG.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT I CALLED THIRD DIBBS.  
GC: m4d RNG’s yo!  
GA: I suppo+se this do+es make matters so+mewhat fair, tho+ugh a little skewered in meenah’s advantage.  
AT: judge has spoken, my hands are t1ed…  
GC: dont worry your w1ngs ruf1bro, you g3t to judg3 too!!!  
GC: com3 on, h1gh f1v3 your co-judg3!!!  
AT: we are nowhere near each other… so th1s really makes no sense…  
AT: so 1 guess 1 owe you a very rad h1gh f1ve?  
CT: 8==D< I assume everyone with their red quadrants filled gets to join the judges?  
GC: yup!!!  
CT: 8==D< Wonderful. Won’t this be fun Rufioh?  
AT: yeah…  
AT: def1n1tely…  
AA:むち打たれます。  
AT:私は知っています。  
CC: getting judged by captor joy a joys  
GA: So+ do+ I get to+ jo+in the judges?  
GC: but porz….  
GA: Latula.  
GC: po-m4ry.  
GA: ……….  
GC: popo-m3rryg4mz.  
GA: Is there a po+int?  
GC: pornst4r.  
GA: Let us no+t venture there.  
GC: you H4V3 to show th3s3 chumps how 1ts don3!!!  
GA: Pardo+n?  
GC: you h4v3 to jo1n th1s g4m3, r3pr3s3nt1ng th3 r4d g1rlz 3rrywh3r3!  
GA: I am no+t particularly interested in Karkat.  
CA: yeah no offense but please keep maryam out of it.  
GC: but 1 n33d you too!  
GC: w3 c4nt fill 4 whol3 hum4n w33k oth3rw1s3!!  
GA: Yo+u just desire a player by pro+xy.  
GA: Do+ yo+u realize the tantrum o+ur dear insufferable will thro+w o+nce he finds o+ut I flirted with his descendant?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/I FURGOT ABOUT THAT!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT WILL BE A CATASTROPHE!!!  
TC: [:o(](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/mdn.gif)   
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MAYBE THE LOSERS HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM?  
CT: 8==D< We will work that out as the game progresses.  
CT: 8==D< I will be rooting for you from the side-lines Meulin.  
CT: 8==D< Remember to remain optimistic and to smile at all times.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WILL!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ <>  
CT: 8==D< <>  
AA:あなたは私を病気にします。  
TA: C0M3 0N P0RRRRM. D0 17.  
TA: I7LL B3 FUNL4R1OU5 45 GR0D.  
GA: I wo+nt be able to+ face kankri fo+r weeks.  
CC: sounds like a win-win to me  
CT: 8==D< Well then. I do believe the game is ahoof.  
CT: 8==D< Will you be ready to make your move tomorrow your hayness?  
CC: shore….. I guess.  
CC: whatever.  
AT: great doll…  
AT: let us know how 1t went…  
GC: you go get h1m girl!!!  
CC: you know this game will only last a day right?  
CC: you suckafishes won’t even get no chance.

**== > Reader: be Meenah**

CARP!

That could have gone a whale lot betta.

You are now MEENAH PEIXES, T)(IEF of LIFE, heiress currently in charge of not ruling shit and the troll that called first dibbs on Karkat, other suckas be dammed. Sure, you haven’t had no chance to reelly talk to shouty aboat your no doubt MUTUAL AFFECTION but sometimes mushy stuff like that isn’t needed. You are sure you connected with him on a deeper level of understanding, founded in your mutual dislike for the other ALP)(A TROLLS. Seariously, what a bunch a losers.

Still, if the alternative is Ampora or Leijon hitting on YOUR flushcrush you betta confess your SICKENING RED FEELINGS before they get the chance to screw things up. Besides, the mental image of Cronus dating ANYONE is enough to make any troll feel nauseated. The mental image of that unfortunate troll being Karkat is just embarrassing.

What will you do?

**== > Meenah: open chest**

You NONCHALANTLY kick open your ROYAL STORAGE CONTAINER UNIT.

You got some GRADE-A BLING stored away from your many post-game adventures with the SERKET SISTERS. It’s a shame the loot you stashed in the dreambubbles remained there. Not that there was any wave for you to wear all that jewelry when hitting on Karkat, but it alwaves made you eel happy to see such a pile of shiny objects.

It is difficult to decide what to wear when all this BLING is so damn C)(OICE. You settle on the decorated 2x3 CULLING FORK and some )(ARDCORE GOLDEN BRACELETS, emulating your BAD-ASS --EMPR—ESS self from his timeline. You are absolutely S)(ORE Karkat will appreciate the gesture.

You quietly sneak some BOONBUCKS and additional treashore in your pockets. There isn’t a lusus around to stop you, but doing it all SNEAKY-LIKE makes you look cool. There isn’t anything you particularly want to spend your boonies on, but it certainly eels good to have the comfortable weight of priceless ancient treashore in the torn pants you wear to lower your fucks-given-o-meter. After gaining points WAY faster than normal during the memo, you think it’s only right to lower the fucks-given-o-meter to a more acceptable score.

**== > Meenah: confront mirror**

‘Hi there shawty, u lookin fin. Come here often?’

No. No. No. All of your no’s. With a misearable blub you perform a 2X FACEPALM COMBO at that pathetic display. You can barely stand to look at your own reflection after that embarrassing attempt to flirt with yourshellf. How the shell does MARYAM make it look so easy?

**== >Meenah: Further emulate Condescension**

You decide to do the unthinkable. You think your beta version was cool, shouty thinks the CONDESCENSION was cool, so why not further emulate her? Can you even further emulate her, you being her and all? You decide to file this as a potentially life-changing question no one glubbing cares aboat as you CAREFULLY loosen your braids.

With a deafening ‘thump’ the mass of hair hits the ground. It is easy to forget just how MASSIVE your hair actually is. You can barely take a step without tripping over the stuff. It just keeps happening. Why did you even decide to let it grow this long? Oh right, you remember: the amazingly awesome braids that illustrate just how BAD you are. Seriously, the fucks-given-o-meter nearly reached zero the first time you donned that look. That’s just how bad you are.

Looking at yourself in the mirror you really do look like a punk rock version of your other version. You even go as far as to say that, If you owned one of those goofy wetsuits, you would be an identical copy of your beta version. Just a bit betta looking. Perhaps you could stand to admire yourshellf just a bit longer, while you accessorize appropriately.

**== > Meenah: Don the tiara, be the empress**

Oh yes.

Troll latin choruses everywhere begin chanting ominously as you don the ROYAL GOLDEN TIARA OF RULERSHIP. Forged in the heart of a dying star, enchanted by woegothics of the 9th circle and equipped with the amethyst of madness, a gemstone said to have been brought to ALTERNIA by Gl’bgolyb itself. Truly this tiara is the piece de refishtance of your treashory, the epitome of what treasure can be. All the other priceless ancient gems and jewelry pale in comparison, and deep down desire to possess even a fraction of the undying beauty of the item on your head.

Your arms are heavy with bracelets, your steps are clumsy as you keep tripping over your own mountain of hair and you begin hearing voices but you are certain you look ABSOLUTELY 100% HOT.

Now, time to catch yourself a guppy.

**== > Meenah: Respectfully knock on Karkat’s front door.**

You calmly knock on the door to shouty’s hive.

If by calm you mean: using full force.

And if by knocking, you mean: smashing it in with your 2X3 trident.

Seriously, what was the point of that? Look at what you did. The door came off its hinges and fell right into the hallway. What an inconvenience. You do realize there was a doorbell within convenient reach right? There was no need for this pointless destruction of Karkat’s property. Are you happy now? Do you feel like a big troll? That door had a family.

Are you just going to step into his hive without acknowledging your unnecessarily cruel treatment of his door? Your fucks-given-o-meter is running dangerously low at this point.

**== >Meenah: Look for your matesprit**

You do not have to look long. The moment you wonder into the living room you can hear the enraged steps of your favorite nubby-horned troll coming down the stairs, swearing all the way.

“THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK, WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES HAVE AGAINST KNOCKING!?”

You smirk hearing him. It is great how passionate he gets about these little things.

Making a dramatic turn to face him (and definitely NOT nearly tripping over your own hair) he stops dead in his tracks. The poor thing looked like an antlerbeast caught in the headlights. As if you needed another reason to pity him.

You take a step in his direction with a wide grin full of razor sharp teeth.

He takes a step back towards the stairs, looking like he had just seen a ghost.

You tilt your head, a little confused as to why he seems so terrified of you. Perhaps you take after your bad-ass other self a bit too much. She WAS going to kill him/keep him as a servant after all. Of course, she did that to most lowbloods, but having mutant candy blood does put one at an even greater disadvantage. Despite both of you finding her a bad-ass, maybe it wasn’t the BEST ideas to model yourself after her as much as possible. You have to show him that there is nothing to worry about or you will mess this up entirely.

You take another determined step in his direction and smile kindly at him. At least, what passes for a smile with you. Time to use some platonic pale bait before reeling in the big red fish.  
”What’s wro---“

**== >Meenah: Fuck up.**

“COD”

**== >**

“FUCKIN”

**== >**

“CLAMNIT!”

**== >**

Your legs got tangled up in your hair. You flail your arms wildly in a futile attempt to keep your balance as you slowly tilt towards Karkat, who can only look in panic as you come closer.

Finally losing your balance, you fall atop of Karkat, who just begins yelling and screaming incomprehensibly. His chest is surprisingly comfortable, though you doubt he is half as comfortable on the floor. You would stay there comfortably if you weren’t feeling incredibly stupid for tripping over your hair like that. Maybe this was the real reason you kept it braided.  
Cod, this is embarrassing. Your fucks-given-o-meter is soaring through the roof. You can’t remember the last time it went that high. You aren’t entirely sure what to do.

**== >**

You attempt to block out Karkat’s rage as you try to lower the dreaded fucks-given-o-meter. Dear cod is he giving you an earful about the hemospectrum, culling and a variety of unrelated things.

What would your bad-ass beta self do in this situation?

How do you silence a troll like Karkat?

Well, as Condescension you would simply take what you want.

What do you want?

**== >Meenah: kiss the troll**

You lean in and give Karkat the roughest, most passionate kiss you can muster. At first he screams in the kiss but slowly it becomes more pleasant for both of you. He grows silent and leans into you, relaxing completely. You got this little contest down and there aint nothing cronus and the other losers can do to take him away from you now.

Then, he relaxes some more.

Then he falls flat on the floor.

You can feel him slipping out of your arms. You are pretty sure he is unconscious. Perhaps the shock of kissing such an undeniably bad-ass troll such as yourself became too much for him to handle. Either that or he is really terrified of the Condescension.

Whoops.

**== >Meenah: Shamefully abscond.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gifs courtesy of [Yugotousatsu](http://blueanddark.deviantart.com).
> 
> So this began as a fun one shot written because I cant think of plot for feferi pails everyone...... the one shot became bigger.... and bigger.... Do people even read one-shots of 12000 words? I'm not gonna take that risk.
> 
> Also: the two worst trolls to code in one conversation. Fucking briliant. 
> 
> Next chapter will update eventually and will see two more alphas try their luck at seducing Karkat.


	2. Chapter 2

\--cyprinidConqueror [CC] entered memo: vwantas not allovwed--

CC: so yeah…….  
CC: that happened

\--cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--

CT: 8==D< This sounds carefully optimistic.  
CT: 8==D< Sh001d we conc100de you have succeeded in estableishing yourmatespritship with kankri’s dancestor?  
CC: Yes?  
CC: Sorta?  
CC: No?

\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo--  
\--terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--  
\--gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--

TC: [:oI ](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/chloe.gif)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MI GOSH!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ARE GOING TO NEED SO MANY DETAILS MEOWNAH!  
CC: da fuq did i say aboat giving me lame nicknames like that?  
AC: \\(=^w^=)/   
GC: th1s sounds tot3s r4d!!!  
GC: you gotz to g1v3 us th3 d33ts 4s4p p4ymon3y!!!!  
GC: 1 n33d th3m l1k3 y3st3rd4y!  
CC: whale   
CC: there was some S---EARIOUS makoing out  
CC: i guess  
GC: dy4mn, you gr1nd th4t r41l!!  
GC: UP TOP S1S!  
CC: there was no grinding of any sort and you can’t prove otterwise  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GASP!  
TC: [:o(](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqegwfkDux1qktqch.gif) 

\--casualArtist [CA] joined memo--  
\--assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--  
\--genderAbberance [GA] joined memo--

CA: FUCK  
CA: did NOT wvant to hear this  
GA: I am impressed Meenah. I had no+t expected yo+u to+ take actio+n like this.  
AG: To be frank, I had.  
AG: Meenah is nothing if not very blunt. I imagine the thought of having to compete for her potential concupiscent partner was enough to drive her to such measures.  
AG: Despite how uncomfortable she is with quadrant related issues.  
GA: I suppo+se that so+unds abo+ut right.  
CC: i am NEVER unconchfortable!  
CA: this is so fucking unfair  
CA: i didn’t ewven get a chance

\--ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--  
\--antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--  
\--twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--

CA: and there is the rest of the legume gallery  
CC: fintastic……..  
CT: 8==D< Forgive my impertinence your hayness, but is this your first quadrant filled?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WAS HE A GOOD KISSER?  
AA:彼のものが膨らます吸引をあなたにもたらしました。  
GA: Do+ yo+u think yo+u’ll beco+me mo+re intimate with him so+o+n?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, OH, MAYBE HE CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO A GOOD PALE MATE!!  
AT: 1 just want to know how the rest of the uhm… date, 1 guess, went…  
GC: sh1t, p4ych3ck 1s go1ng pl4c3s.  
TC: [:o)](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8196073728/hD6747968/)   
AC: [\\(=^..^=)/](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcbocfncWK1qkf3ufo1_500.gif)   
TC: [:o) ](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/jmmyf.gif)  
AC: [\\(=^..^=)/](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/snuggie.gif)   
TC: [:o)](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/mchi.gif)   
CC: yeah, if you BASS)(OL—ES stay quiet for a MINNOWT!  
TC: [:o( ](http://media.tumblr.com/c3744b4be8da87a4e0d7bd1ed8062766/tumblr_inline_n6um8hwEgi1qmyas3.gif)  
AT: k1nda rude doll…  
TA: G1F5 4R3 4 P41N L1K3  
TA: GROD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TA: TUCKN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TA: D4MN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AG: You mean they are spamming.  
TA: TH4T5 WH4T 1 J57 FUCKN S41T!  
AG: I needed the confirmation.  
AA:絵は奇妙ではない。  
CC: DON’T CARE!  
CC: I AM IN A S)(IT MOOD AND YOU ASS)(OL---ES AINT N--EVER HELPING!  
AG: Did something happen?  
CC: W)(AL—E T)(E GUPPY PASSED RIG)(T DA FUCK OUT BEFORE SHIT COULD GET REAL!  
TA: PH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4HHHH44H4H4H4H4H4H4  
AA:私は、聞くためにこれを楽しみます。  
AT: so… what happened?  
CC: look  
CC: i was decked out in all my best swag and the guy clams up like a catfish  
GC: oooooh sh13t!!!  
GC: you dr3ss3d l1k3 yo oth3r selfz 4g41n d1dn’t you?  
CC: W)(Y WOULDN’T I?!  
CC: I LOOKED BOATALLY )(OT!  
AG: Perhaps, if you had paid a tad more attention to Karkat’s story, you would have noticed that despite his respect for Her Imperious Condescension, he was terrified of 8eing inevita8ly culled 8y her.  
CC: t)(anks for the coddamn memo serks  
CC: next time say that shit B--EFORE i screw up like this  
CA: YES!  
CA: this means i still get a shot  
GA: If yo+u do+ no+t mind kissing the lips that Meenah so+ elo+quently sullied.  
CC: Screw you!  
GC: y3s, 4mpor4 w4s n3xt to g3t h1s groov3 on.  
GC: m4k3 1t count cron3 bro >8]  
TA: OR F41L  
TA: 1 L1K3 S331NG 455H5T5 F41L  
TA: FUCKN H1L4RYUS  
CA: ewver the beacon a support chief  
TA: 5TFU FGG7  
AT: should we maybe dec1de who goes after cronus?  
CA: no one, that’s wvho  
AG: No, you will definitely fail in your attempt.  
CC: if I can’t get nubs, you don’t stand a ghostship of a chance!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG, YOU CAN DO IT CRONUS!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I BELIEVE IN YOU.  
CA: that’s swvell meulin  
CA: all i ewver wvanted wvas for someone to beliewve in me  
GA: Audible sigh.  
CT: 8==D< So yes. On the off chance that ampora’s attempt will be trampled like a wriggler by a stampede of MIGHTY hoofbeasts, who gets to go after the beta stallion next?  
CT: 8==D< This is, by the way, not meant to make light of Cronus’s attempt.  
CT: 8==D< Being the STRONGLY positive troll that I am, I do believe he has a fair chance to court his desired flush crush  
CA: oh wvowv  
CA: your support means so much to me you guys  
CC: i am going to fucking vomit  
AA:クラブに加わること  
TA: WH473VR N3K5T 15 53RKT!  
AG: You mean me?  
TA: WHO 7T3 GRUD 3L53!!?!  
AG: I do apologize, but your quirk is difficult to read……  
AG: Well, frankly your quirk is atrocious, but considering your limitations I can accept it…..  
GC: >8(  
AG: I shall proceed to put my foot in my mouth, while formulating a strategy to adequately flirt with Karkat myself.  
CA: no need to bother babe  
CA: i got this

**== > Reader: be Cronus**

Oh yes. Ewverything is going like you wvanted to.

Wvell, minus the kiss, but you can deal.

You are now CRONUS AMPORA, BARD of HOPE and ARTISTIC SOUL in dire need of some recognition. When you first laid eyes upon KARKAT you were feeling such confusing emotions. He looked so much like Kankri, yet seemed completely different. A wvhole lot more QUIET. Unfortunately, he locked himself in a hive before you could even attempt to flirt with him, even though you are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN he would have fallen horns over heels for you.

You are not surprised PEIXES failed to seduce YOUR future matesprit. She always lacked the SENSITIVWITY needed to begin a proper romance. You on the other hand, will be the PERFECT fit for someone like Karkat.

With all of this in mind, what will you do?

**== > Cronus: look in mirror**

‘Hey daddy-o. Wvhat’s goin on in your neck a the wvoods?’

No. No. No. All of your available no’s. Talking like that makes you look like an absolute TOOL. Seriously, how did you ever expect such corny lines to seduce anyone ever? You fail to understand how flirting like that will ever work.

That is to say: without the rest of your get-up.

**== >Cronus: Don battledress**

Wvell, it’s not a real dress per se, but you ALWVAYS felt more comfortable wrapped in the suffocating embrace of your BLACK LEATHER VEST. Seriously, look how awesome you look. You dare say a vest like this would make even Kankri look like a significant bad-ass. If only there was a way to convince him to wear it, maybe some of its coolness would rub off on him. He would probably be too pre-occupied linking the symbolism of the vest to ALTERNIAN CHOPPERAIDERS and their violent reputation. He just does not understand how GROOVY it is.  
You may or may not have alchemized this vest for the sole purpose of emulating the AWVARD-WVINNING human actor JOHN TRAVWOLTA. Even though you have only seen a grand total of one of his movies, you are absolutely confident that he had reached the PINNACLE of acting.

And look: there’s even some perfectly good unlit cigarettes in the pockets of your vest. Is there anything this article of clothing does not provide for, aside from ventilation on hot summer days? Truly the leather vest will be one of your key-instruments in the seduction of Karkat Vantas.

**== >Cronus: Grease up**

You slip your hand in the cool human HAIRGEL and create a beautiful pompadour. Talk about GREASED LIGHTNING, you are positively gorgeous. You stick one of your cigarettes in your mouth and wink at yourself in the mirror. Your reflection SWOONS at the mere sight of you.

You blow a kiss to the poster of JOHN TRAVOLTA. That winning smile of his serves as a permanent source of inspiration and just looking at his smouldering eyes is like a master class on seduction. After your LUSUS perished, he has been your true HUMAN FATHER figure and the only voice of reason in an increasingly unreasonable group. You often wished you were human like him, and you gladly inform everyone about this bizarre desire of yours. If only he could speak. You often wonder what words of wisdom he would share with you.  
Maybe he could have warned you about the alien overlord Xenu, whose arrival on Beforus signaled the meteors. You doubt even your eternally wise father figure knew about this.

**== >Cronus: Open portfolio: unveil secret weapon**

Like every self-respecting artist, you use the PORTFOLIO MODUS for your sylladex. It is a bit roundabout and clutters quickly, but it makes you look very thoughtful and artistic. This works especially well when you ordered cappuccino in TROLL STARBUCKS, looking for your wallet. The barista would always give you this look that either said ‘hurry up’ or ‘take me now’. You were never good at reading faces, but prefer to think it was the latter. After turning a few pages, you find it. The INSTRUMENT OF SEDUCTION.

Alder wood, six nylon strings and a sound that makes the people swoon. Your trusty six string has served you well the past few weeks. You have gotten a real bond with this beauty of a instrument and know just how to make it sing. As all best instruments, it has a name: hers is LUCILLE.  
You have beautiful memories of two human months of looking up instructing videos on youtube and practicing till your fingers bled, or till you got bored with it. Usually the latter. Actually, always the latter cause you don’t like pain and wouldn’t like to dirty Lucille but you refuse to let it stop you. Yes, your ACCOUSTIC GUITAR is exactly what is going to win you the heart of the KNIGHT. Because let’s be honest, wvhat is more ROMANTIC than being serenaded? NOTHING that is what.

Armed with nothing but your guitar, the approval of John Travolta and your human style, you set the first step outside your HIWVE.

**== >Cronus: enter game**

If by that you mean: meet up with Karkat, then we can provide.

You just ‘happen’ upon his hive on one of the many strolls you do, looking for inspiration on one of your poems. No ulterior motives cross your mind as you peer through his windows. No sir. The hive looks just like it did in the DREAMBUBBLES, just without that pesky 4-key door that stood between the two of you. On closer inspection, he seems to be missing his door altogether.

Conwvenient.

You give yourself a wink, using the windows as a mirror and you readjust your leather vest to properly show your nonchalantly cool attitude. He is going to fall for you in ways that will defy troll Isaac Newton.

“Anyone home?” you shout through the hallway, loud enough to be heard but not loud enough to be obnoxious, or so you think.

“WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES HAVE AGAINST RINGING THE FUCKING DOORBELL?!” came the respons from the living room.”IT IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE! DO YOU NEED A GIANT FUCK-OFF NEON SIGN TELLING YOU: ‘THIS IS THE DOORBELL, RING IT YOU DIPSHIT?’ IS THIS JUST A CONCEPT THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON ON BEFORUS? I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN, IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW. YOU MORONS JUST---“

He is family of Vwantas alright. With an angry face, a lithe figure and legs for days he comes storming into the hallway to meet you. He doesn’t seem very amused to meet you, but that will change soon enough.

“WHAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT DO YOU EVEN WANT!?”

**== >Cronus: explain yourself**

You lean against the doorpost, as smoothly as possible as you begin explaining yourself. “Wvell, I wvas just in the neighborhood wvith a song in my vwascular blood-pumping vwessel.” You say, your voice as low and seductive as possible.”Wvant a listen?”

“NO!” Karkat practically spat in your face. This isn’t going like you planned at all.

“Just one song Vwantas.” You say, trying not to sound too desperate.”One song and I’ll be out a your hair.”  
“FOREVER?”  
“Wvell, the rest of the day.”

The troll grumbled something and invited you further into the living room. Time to make it count

**== >[S]Cronus: make it count**

You sit down on the couch and uncaptchalogue Lucille. Glancing towards your flushcrush you notice his surprised reaction, which you mark down as a small victory. To your knowledge, none of the other humans play the guitar. Sure, Harley plays a mean bass, but who remembers the bassist? Karkat probably never heard a guitar in his life and first impressions are important. After a few experimental strums you start playing.

“Today, is gonna be the day, that they’re gonna throvw it back to you.”

You look at Karkat, who seems mesmerized by the music you’re making. This is your victory.

“By nowv, you should have somehovw, realized what ya gotta do.”

You almost missed a chord there, but Karkat doesn’t seem to notice. Playing guitar is a lot more difficult without instruction videos to ensure you are doing it correctly.

“I don’t believe that anybody, feels the wvay I do, about you nowv.”

You make sure to create eyecontact singing that last part. It is important to make him feel like he is special to you. Which he obviously is, in a strange way. He looks so much like Kankri, if Kankri had been hardened by years of battle. It is like a joke paradox space is playing on you.

You continue the song without a hitch, leaving Karkat speechless. It is always pleasant to have such a reaction on people: most of your friends do not appreciate your musical talents. At least, not your original songs. A shame too, because you just know ‘blurred quadrants’ is going to catch on some day.

Karkat still hasn’t moved from the couch. With all the elegance of a flirterminator you scoot a little closer. After this next song, he will be begging you to be your matesprit. After all, it is the MOST POPULAR HUMAN LOVE SONG.

**== >[S]Cronus: encore**

“You knowv you lowve me, I knowv you care.”

Something is wrong. You can feel Karkat tense up next to you. Perhaps you struck a wrong chord?

“Just shout wvhenewver, and I’ll be there.”

There was an ominous shiver going through your future matesprit. Maybe this wasn’t the right song for him: human songs can be awfully complex, so these THOUGHT-PROVOKING lyrics may be a little over his head. Let’s just jump straight to the chorus and see how that goes.

“And I wvas like: baby, baby baby ooo---“

**== >**

“--oooh……..”

Karkat jumped up from the couch, rage flashing in his eyes. You promptly stopped playing as the other troll began yelling incomprehensibly. The word ‘fuck’ was used at least 20 times in the span of a single minute. You couldn’t do that if you tried. Whatever it was that bothered him it was bothering him something fierce.

Suddenly, he lunged forward, wrestled Lucille from your hands and—

**== >Karkat: Debunk**

A sickening ‘CRACK’ rings through the room as you gasp in horror.

“LUCILLE!”

* * *

 

\--casualArtist [CA] opened memo: vwantas not allovwed--

CA: I hawve just wvitnissed a murder  
CA: I wvill newver be the same

\--ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--  
\--assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--

AT: d*mn…  
AT: that sounds way 1ntense… what happened?  
AG: Are there any wounded?  
AG: Do you require assistance or healing of any sort?  
CA: depends babe  
CA: can you mend a broken heart?  
AG: On second thought, I think you will be just peachy.  
AT: and there was talk of a murder of some sorts…  
AT: was th1s an assass1nat1on attempt on your heart aga1n?  
CA: no  
CA: but karkat brutally tore lucille in half  
AG: Who?  
CA: my loyal and most trustwvorthy guitar  
AG: I keep surprising myself in this dialogue. I know I will be disappointed when I ask and yet for some reason, I cannot resist the temptation.  
CA: my soul aches  
AG: I am sure it does.  
AT: 1ts just a gu1tar r1ght?  
AT: can you not alchem1ze a new one?  
CA: it wvouldnt be the same  
AT: 1f you have the code, 1t w1ll b3…  
AT: that 1s k1nda how 1t works…

\--genderAbberance [GA] joined memo--  
\--terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--  
\--cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--  
\--antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--  
\--gnarlyCraiptap [GC] joined memo--  
\--twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--  
\--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo--  
\--cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--

TC: [:o)](http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/a75RVNb_460sa.gif)   
CA: oh great  
CA: i really don’t wvanna do this right nowv  
CC: no no no we are so doin this  
CC: you clam not even B—EREEF how much we are doing this  
AA:あなたの苦痛を共有します。  
AA:乳首を困難にします。  
CA: so the guy is not big into music  
CA: anyone could hawve made that mistake  
AG: You mean to say, your music.  
CA: NO!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC IS THE WORST CRONUS!!!  
CA: it wvas the most popular human lowvesong  
CA: wvhat did you expect me to do  
CA: NOT play it?  
GA: Apparantely it wo+uld have been the better o+ptio+n  
CA: oh yeah that’s swvell hindsight right there chief  
CA: at least i didn’t make the guy faint  
CC: 38(  
CC: at least i walked away MYS)(ELLF instead a being chased off LIK—E A CHUMP!  
TC: [:o) ](http://media.giphy.com/media/pcEIWIaBALpRu/giphy.gif)  
CT: 8==D< Pardon my intrusion, but do you per chance require an auspistice?  
CA: NO  
CC: NO!  
CT: 8==D< Such a pity. I have long since possessed the STRONG desire to fill my remaining quadrants  
CT: 8==D< Being the beacon of optimism that I am, it behooves me to inform you that I w001d make an e%cellent candidate sh001d you ever find yourself in the need of an ashen conciliator.  
TA: Y0U KNW 5H17 15 W44CK WH3N HOR53BULG3 MUNCHR H5Z 7H3 MO5T QU4DROP35 F1LL3D!!!  
TA: *QU4DR4XXXX  
TA: *QU4N74LOP35  
TA: *GR4R F1CK3N 5QU4R3 7H5NG5!!!!  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ THAT IS SO MEAN CAPTOR!!!!  
TA: 1T5 TRUTH!!!  
CT: 8==D< Do not fret Captor. With such an attitude you will no doubt succeed in finding either a moirail or a kismesis in no time.  
TA: F4CK 1 DON’T N33D 5H17!  
GC: two p33ps down 4n f1v3 to go  
AA:次に行かせてください。  
AA:私は、女性を愛している方法を彼に教えます。  
AT: doll, no…  
AT: aranea 1s next…  
GA: Perhaps it wo+uld be wise to+ strategize.  
GA: What do+ we kno+w abo+ut Karkat so+ far?  
CA: horrible taste in music  
CC: )(ORRIBUBBLY afraid for bad-asses.  
GC: k1nd4 l1k3 4 hott3r k4nkr1?  
CA: incredibly colorful vwocabulary…….  
AG: Do not fret.  
AG: I have conducted my own research and will surely succeed in my attempt.  
CC: look serks  
CC: you are just trynna get to know the guy right?  
AG: I cannot make promises Meenah  
CC: drat  
AG: Yes, drat indeed. I am sorry to inform you all that day 3 will 8e the deciding one in our little game. Amusing as it was to hear everyone’s tale of failure. Quite honestly, I would have enjoyed prolonging this session, if only to see how every8ody else will fare in their attempts.  
GC: w4y too much t3xt s3rk3t  
GC: w3 don’t n33d to pr3p4r3 th3 n3xt ch4ll3ng3r?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHO IS NEXT?  
GC: you 4r3  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH MY MOG!!! ARANEA, PLEASE FAIL!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WANT TO PLAY TOO!  
AG: I shall not make any promises.  
AA:彼と既にただ性交してください。

\--cavalierGargarization [CG] joined memo--

TC: [:o( ](http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/frust7.gif)  
CG: f9rgive my sudden intrusi9n. I am aware that y9u use this mem9 t9 de6ate private issues that y9u w9uld prefer t9 escape my n9tice, h9wever I c9uld n9t help 6ut n9tice a recent surge in activity 9n this mem9.  
CG: If at all p9ssi6ble, I w9uld like t9 kn9w whether 9r n9t everything is alright and if n9t, whether 9r n9t there is anything I can d9 at all t9 assist y9u in the manner.  
CG: View me as a kindly 6utler, serving y9u a chilled drink 9n an island exclusively inhi6ited 6y such 6utlers. N9t that these 6utlers are t9 6e viewed as peculiar, native, 9utcasts 9r anything else that carries negative c9nn9tati9ns. They are simply metaph9rical 6utlers.  
CA: please help me kankri  
CG: I 6eg y9ur pard9n?  
CA: you are sewverly triggering me  
CG: I….  
CG: what?  
CA: I made this memo to speak in priwvate and now I can’t  
CG: Y9u were speaking t9 all ten 9f 9ur teammates at 9nce. Whatever the matter is, it is n9t private.  
CA: wvho are you to tell me wvhat privwate is?  
CA: is your definition a privwate more vwalid than mine?  
CG: Well…… n9.  
TC: [:oI ](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mej0cd0INf1qktqch.gif)  
CG: I ap9l9gize f9r these triggering circumstances and shall take my leave.  
CG: Sh9uld you require my assistance with any 9f these deeply private matters, please d9 n9t hesitate t9 c9ntact me.  
CA: yeah  
CA: wvill do

\--cavalierGargarization [CG] left memo--

GC: d4mn th4t w4s clos3  
CC: glad to sea cronus is still a basshole  
CA: you rather had me rattin you out peixes?  
CC: no you misunderstand  
CC: i approve 38)  
GA: Yes. No+thing like go+ing behind the back o+f o+ur friend.  
TA: 5P43K FOR YOUR53LLLF!  
GA: Perhaps this was a bad idea.  
GC: no popo, th1s 1s th3 B3ST 1d34.  
GC: w3 hook up h1s 4dor4bl3 l1ttl3 d4nc3stor w1th 4 m4t3spr1t th4t knows th3 d34l  
GC: on3 of us g3tz th3ms3lv3s 4 hot p13c3 4 troll  
GC: 4nd th3 r3st of us g3ts th3 b3st l4ughs s1nc3 4lt3rn14s funn13st hom3 v1d3os  
AT: you actually thought that was funny?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DON’T FURGET THE SHIPPING!  
CA: wvell kankri is not gonna keep falling for me being triggered by nothing in particular  
TA: 7H47 DUMB 5H17 C5NT 3B3N KNOW WH4T UP  
CT: 8==D< Perhaps we need to create a distraction for Vantas.  
CT: 8==D< To give him something to do while this game continues.  
GA: That is no+t a bad idea Ho+russ.  
AA:時間クローンを送ります。  
AA:性別を持っています。  
AA:疑問符  
AA:利益  
AT: 1 th1nk someth1ng less scarr1ng babe…  
AG: I think I will send him to Vriska for a day.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OMG THAT WILL BE HORRIBLE!  
GC: d4mn s3rks, w1ll sh3 4ctu4lly do th4t?  
AG: She will if I tell her it is to win a game.  
AG: 8ecause Serkets do not lose games.  
GC: 41ght 1 c4n d1g th3 H3LL outt4 th4t.  
GC: just to cl4r1fy sh1t tho.  
GC: 1 know you got d3m m4d psych1cs yo. No m1ndtr1cks on l1l v4nt4s.  
TC: [:o(](http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/frust8.gif)   
AG: 8ut of course. Though it would make matters easier, I 8elieve I can get 8y without such tricks.  
GC: r4d1c4l.  
GC: st1ll, 1’ll scop3 out th3 guys m1nd wh3n your don3 kn1ght duty 4nd such.  
AG: I understand.  
TC: [:o(](http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/sad_jon_snow.gif)  
GC: good luck.

**== >Reader: Be Aranea**

You are now ARANEA SERKET, the SYLPH of LIGHT and one-time GODDESS OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. It was a bit of an episode and not something you like talking about. People often thought you were too much of a NERD or a 8OOKWORM but you have shown you can hold your own when you became the all powerful goddess the universe DESERVED. You just were not the one the universe NEEDED at that point. Luckily most people forgave you quite easily. The other ALPHAS even gave you some much deserved respect after the daring ring heist. All well that ends well right?

If you are COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself however, you are not certain you are THAT interested in Karkat. Sure, you like teasing Meenah a little but until YESTERDAY you hadn’t really taken the game serious at all.

You PRIDE yourself on knowing many stories. The classic answering of the heroic call by JOHN EGBERT, the equally classic hero losing herself to darkness in ROSE LALONDE, the burdens of MARYAM, the madness of MAKARA, the turmoil of PYROPE, you know all stories. All of them. But the one you keep coming back to is the story of VANTAS. The knight of Blood, the pariah of his kind and the leader of his people. He intrigues you in a way you are not entirely familiar with. His ruffian façade to hide just how much he cares, the way he copes with his mutation. It’s almost a tragedy, it’s almost a comedy.

Perhaps there is more to his tale than you previously assumed……..

**== >Aranea: Observe yourself on reflective surface**

You briefly glance in the mirror and play with a strand of your hair. The cute look is ill convincing after the ENDGAME. No one buys your innocence these days, even if you remain SAINTLIKE next to the likes of Meenah or Cronus. Perhaps you could try smooth and seductive instead.

You gaze into the mirror with an intense, smothering look.

No. No, that just makes you laugh. You fail completely in looking smooth and seductive. Perhaps your dancestor would be able to get away with it, but is clear your forte does not lie there. You need to rely on your casual form of elegance and your very own SECRET WEAPON.

Cronus CLEARLY made the mistake of trying way too hard to be SENSITIVE. Though you applaud the effort that went into serenading Karkat, his approach was all wrong. A lack of subtlety on his part no doubt. Then again, this IS Cronus. Subtlety is as alien a concept to him as brief conversation is to you.

**== >Aranea: Dress for the occasion**

It doesn’t happen often that you’re going out with intentions such as these. You might as well make a show of it. The GODTIER looks way to gaudy and your starter outfit is rather plain. Instead, you don the CERULEAN SPIDER SILK DRESS, a long and elegant blue cocktail dress with bare shoulders and showing quite a bit of cleavage. It is a bit much don’t you think? You are going to hit on a guy and maybe ask for his number, not ask for his hand in human MATRIMONY. This makes you look like some sort of femme fatale, which is not completely incorrect but hardly the sentiment you want to convey.

You turn on your wardrobifier and seamlessly switch from SPIDER SILK DRESS to MINDFANG DRESS, the pirate outfit you wore in the dream bubbles. You have very pleasant memories of this dress: the first time you donned the RING OF LIFE, the moment you became the ALMIGHTY GODDESS and—look, maybe it’s better if you switch to something else. No need to bring up such memories. The spider silk wasn’t bad, right?

No?

Fine, it’s your party. MINDFANG DRESS it is.

**== >Aranea: Contact Karkat**

You really owe Vriska big after this. Not only does she keep Kankri of your back for the day, she actually gave her friends trollhandle without making a fuzz. Either she is in a really good mood or Kankri has her completely numbed with his sermons. We all know which one is more likely to have occurred.

You take out your husktop and begin planning your date.

\--assidiousGoddess [AG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

AG: Hello Karkat.  
AG: If it is not too much trou8le, I would very much like to meet you in the library at 2.  
AG: I do hope this sounds like an accepta8le proposition.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

\--assidiousGoddess [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

**== >Aranea: Obtain secret weapon**

Describe ‘obtain’?

You fail to understand why you should get a secret weapon when the secret weapon is ALREADY HERE. The secret weapon is and has always been YOU, the power was within you all along, all you need do is believe in yourself and have EMPATHIC ABILITIES.  
Though psychic shenanigans have been rendered illegal, both as agreed upon law of the lands and as rule of the game, you still have these abilities. You were born with them, you can’t just turn them off, convenient as that would be on occasion. Though you can not steer Karkat into your arms, he won’t be able to hide his true feelings from you either.

All you will have to do is guide the conversation in your favor and maybe make out a little.

You blush up to your ears at the very thought. Aranea Serket, suddenly having a passionate thought like that floating through her head? The very notion of it is absurd. You haven’t had thoughts like that since Mee---

Since a very long time.

**== >Aranea: Hide books**

What books? Certainly you are not talking about CONCUPEICENT QUADRANTS FOR WRIGGLERS, SEDUCTION FOR BEGINNERS or the SEXXXY SEXXX TIPS FOR SEXXXY SEXXX. Why would you be talking about such books? Do you see any of those aforementioned books in your block? You shake your head as the very picture of innocence that you are. Surely you didn’t just brush them under your cocoon in the hope no one would spot them.

If you would possess such scandalous reading material, which you do not, you would suggest better titles. The one that springs to mind is BUYERS REMORSE.

**== >Aranea: enough fooling around**

Just look at the time fly. You have to get to the library posthaste.

The NEWTERNIA LIBRARY was one of the first buildings erected after the game was over. An initiative of the other MARYAM, the LALONDES and yourself. Literature is essential to keeping a culture alive and you were glad to see KANAYA had brought a lot of ALTERNIAN texts with her. You only wished you had saved half as many BEFORIAN documents. The library certainly isn’t that big, but you can allow yourself to be lost in there for hours at a time, fascinated by the other dimensional, or flat out ALIEN books.

Now to wait on Karkat.

**== >Aranea: Wait**

Is he coming at all?

Your messages were deliberately vague, to make sure he didn’t catch onto your attempts to flirt with him. Perhaps you should have asked him to come with more urgency. Perhaps you should have lured him to the library with lies, promises or rewards. Hours turn to days, days to weeks and weeks to months! Perhaps you—

Never mind, there he is.

**== >Aranea: Greet Karkat**

You sense a wave of distrust coming from him as he walks to the library. He seems too preoccupied with his shoes to even look you in the eye. It seems he hasn’t quite forgotten your little episode yet. You bite your lower lip and carefully consider your next move.

“THE FUCK YOU CALLED ME HERE FOR?” Karkat says, clearly having trouble keeping his voice at a pleasant volume. Perhaps his problem is similar to Meulin’s? You have no time to ponder this possibility as you need to come with a reply.

“I would like your assistance in finding a….. romantic novel.” You say, very much aware of his preference courtesy to your dancestor. It is remarkable how much he attempts to avoid your gaze. Though you could feel him light up a little when you mentioned romance, he seems uneasy rather than distrustful now.

You call it an improvement.

“WELL….. WHY CALL ME?” he asks. He doesn’t seem to believe you have an ulterior motive, he seems uneasy being with you. This was going to be difficult. You give your most convincing smile and carefully touch his arm as you walk inside.

“8ecause I trust your judgment.”

**== >Aranea: Search books**

The two of you walk through the library in silence. You are pleased to feel Karkat is slowly acclimating to your presence. It would be so much easier to just manipil8 him, 8ut that would not 8e as fun.

You show him some of your favorite novels. Ones that aren’t smutty like the ones you keep under your cocoon where no one can find them. Karkat appears to be pleasantly surprised by the lack of rainbowdrinkers and wizards. In return, he begins an enthusiastic rant about ‘the club’ and its many layers of subtext. Apparently humans refer to the same story as ‘Fight club’, which just sounds awfully redundant to him.

You are pleasantly surprised with how much fun you are having with him. His feelings of distrust and unease fade and turn to a form of appreciation you haven’t feld very often. He offers the intelligent conversation Porrim gave you, while having a somewhat rougher edge like Meenah. You like it.

Maybe you’ll actually kiss him before the end of the day.

**== >Aranea: Get abducted**

Well not exactly.

**== >**

Two slim hands find their way to your mouth as you were just explaining the intricacies of ‘Play of regent seats’. A familiar voice sounded in your ear as Karkat looked incredibly annoyed at your would-be abducter.

“Kaaaaaaaarkat, do you miiiiiiiind if I steal my dear sister for a moment?” Vriska’s voice sang through the library.

Karkat groaned something and began reading play of regent seats while your dancestor dragged you behind the M-section of the library.  
“I fucking quit!” Vriska hissed in silence. You tilted your head, a little confused as to what she was talking about.

“I fucking agreed I would distract that asshole Vantas, 8ut this guy NEVER shuts his damn seedflap! I have had it and I am not taking that shit anymore!”

You could feel yourself pale hearing her resign like that. If Kankri’s on the loose he might actually catch on to your little contest. He will rant for weeks if he finds out what has been going on behind his back. It would be an absolute disaster.

However….. Your date is going quite smoothly so far. You are actually becoming quite charmed with the beta Vantas. When you agree upon what book to take (hint: it will be a sweeping romance between a blueblood and a commoner), you wanted to take him out for a drink. Then strike and kiss him and…… Oh great, you began blushing again.  
“You okay?” Vriska asks, not particularly interested.

“Yes, yes of course. I’m fine.” You hastily answer.”Thank you for keeping him of our backs for the day Vriska, your effort is most appreciated. Where is Kankri now?”

**== >**

“Ah, a pleasure t9 meet y9u here descendant.”

**== >**

“Oh 8alls……..”

You carefully peek from behind the bookcase and see the red sweatered Kankri engage in another sermon to his dancestor. Something about the many profanities found in ‘play of regent seats’ and how the book should come with a long list of trigger warnings, including beheadings, classism, slavery, rape, dear god he is not stopping any time soon.

Karkat appears to be catatonic as the insufferable keeps droning on tirelessly.

This date is lost. Vriska places a sympathetic hand on your shoulder and suggests you leave the poor knight to his fate.

You were so close.

**== >Aranea: shamefully abscond**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DO THESE KEEP GETTING LONGER?
> 
> WHY CAN'T I THINK OF A PLOT FOR 'FEFERI PAILS EVERYONE'
> 
> WHAT IS PURPLE?
> 
> WHY AM I YELLING?!
> 
> story will update and possibly conclude after the next chapter of 'Movies with Karkat'


	3. Chapter 3

**\-- assidiousGoddess [AG] opened memo: vwantas not allovwed--**

AG: Well….. It wasn’t an inmitig8ed disaster.

**\-- gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--**

GC: 444444w sh1t!  
GC: s3rks 1s b4ck w1th 4 n3w w4r story.  
AG: I would not exactly call it a war story. Then again, saying that it 8om8ed wouldn’t 8e entirely incorrect.  
AT: well, how d1d yesterday go aranea?  
AT: 1 am pretty cur1ous about how you handled it…  
AG: Yes. I think I prefer sharing my tale with you as opposed to our entire group.  
AG: It will minimize the humiliation I will have to endure.

**\-- terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--**

AG: Of course.  
AG: I had to voice that thought.  
GC: th3r3 th3r3 s3rk3t  
GC: just t3ll momm4 tul4 wh4t 1s th3 h4pp3n1ngs b3tw33n you 4n k4nny’s d4nc3stor  
TC: [:o) ](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8207628800/hFBA60B67/)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG YES!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW HOW IT WENT!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I WILL LITERALLY DIE IF YOU DON’T TELL ME!  
AT: 1 th1nk you mean f1gurat1vely…  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I KNOW WHAT I SAID!!!  
TA: YOU F41LT  
TA: OMG L34RN TO FUCK1N FUCK H1M 4LR34DY N3WBC4K35  
AA:教えさせてください。  
AG: Well then…. The tale of how I ruined my chance with Karkat Vantas.  
AG: Like I mentioned, it wasn’t a complete disaster. He was very obviously distrustful of me, 8ut I could feel it fade over time.  
GC: G4SP!  
GC: d1d you us3 psych1c sh3n4n1g4ns?  
AG: No, just empathic ones. You may recall that I do not have the power to 8lock that out.  
AG: 8elieve me, I have tried.  
AT: yeah, 1t must k1nda suck always feel1ng other people’s feel1ngs…  
AA:できる、私がどれくらいぬれているか思います。  
AG: May I continue my story?  
TC: [:o)](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/jfep.gif)   
TA: FUCK 1 W45N7 L1S73N1NG  
AG: Sigh.

**\-- cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- genderAbberance [GA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- casualArtist [CA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--**

CC: aah damn serks. you ocray?  
AG: I am. It is merely my ego that is 8ruised.  
CA: wvelcome to the club a fail  
CC: president fo life: ampora  
CA: and thanks a bunch for that  
TA: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44HH44  
CT: 8==D< I too am sad to see you have not succeeded in your attempts to court the other vantas.  
GA: If this keeps up, I will inevitably have to+ do+ this myself.  
CT: 8==D< Which is a good thing too, as Rufioh suggested you go after Meulin.  
GA: O+h heavens…..  
AA:待つ。  
AA:なぜ署名された売春婦、ない、私  
CC: what is she glubbin aboat now?  
AT: She wants to know why porr1m goes before her and kurloz…  
AA:kurlozを好みません。  
AA:私は偶然をまた望む。  
CC: somefin wrong with makara?  
AT: No, she just wants a chance to h1t on karkat as well…  
GA: She can go+ in my stead.  
GA: Tho+ugh I am amused by the co+mpetetive element, I do+ no+t ho+ld any particular fo+ndness fo+r Karkat.  
GC: s33 th3 th1ng w1th th4t 1s…….  
GC: w3ll  
TA: 7H47 D4M4R4 W1LL FRUGG1NG K1LL H1S 455 1F H3 DUMP5 H3R  
AA: WHAT?   
AA: YOU SAY THAT TO FACE!  
AT: okay, that 1s not ent1rely what happened.  
CT: 8==D< We merely think you are too volatile to handle a potential rejection.  
AA: I SHOW YOU VOLATILE  
GC: 34sy d4mz  
GC: w3 just don’t w4nt to r1sk h4v1ng th3 oth3r p31x3s h4v1ng to br1ng h1m b4ck to th3 l1v1ng  
AA: I NO HURT HIM!  
TA: F1GH7 F1GHY FGHT7!  
GC: qu13t mc.  
AT: you k1nda k1lled meenah and horuss at some po1nts doll…  
AT: and 1t would be a ser1ous buzzk1ll 1f for some reason you dec1de to k1ll karkat…  
AA: THAT DIFFERENT  
AA: THEY DESERVE IT  
CC: *deserved  
AA: I KNOW WHAT I SAY  
TC: [:o)](http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/aEwm5LK_460sa_v1.gif)   
CT: 8==D< Perhaps it w001d be more beneficial for you to find yourself a pale mate, before you find yourself a pail mate.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH, NICE ONE HORUSS <>!!!!  
GA: Tho+ugh she has been vio+lent in the past, she has kept her urges under co+ntro+l since we have beaten the game.  
GA: Perhaps we sho+uld give her the benefit o+f the do+ubt.  
CC: s)(ell no.  
CC: megido will beat the stupid outta shouty if he decides not to snog her.  
CC: cant do that to mah favorite nubby horned troll  
CC: sides, if she don’t compete and the next three suckas fail its my turn again  
GA: Is that ho+w the rules go+  
GC: W3 h4dnt thought 4h34d th4t much  
AA: YOU SCARED I WIN  
AG: Perhaps this de8ate is 8est suited for another time.  
AG: I wanted to 8ring up that Kankri nearly spotted me during my d8 with Karkat.  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ GASP!  
AG: I know. Further discretion is advised.  
CA: wvell fuck  
CA: wvhat happened?  
AG: I had to leave Karkat to his inane ranting, lest I’d get caught as well.  
AG: I would like to make a plea and state that this counts as outsider interference. I think I have the right to try again today.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NO WAY!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT IS MY TURN NOW!  
GC: sorry bookf4ng, 1ts t1m3 to l3t th3 c4tz out 4 th3 b4g.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TC: [:o) ](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzvfgfuMvd1qktqch.gif)  
AC: [\\(=^..^=)/](http://media.giphy.com/media/TBRkop7F0gC7m/giphy.gif)   
AG: Drat. This is incredi8ly unfair.  
CC: yeah, join the shore losers club serket.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ALRIGHT EFURRYONE! WISH ME LUCK!  
AA:ない  
CC: kinda hopin you’ll fail  
AG: Ditto.  
CA: honestly this wvas my idea so i kinda feel he belongs wvith me if you catch my drift  
TA: 1 L1K3 1T WH3N YOU 455HOL35 F41L!  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST!  
GA: Go+o+d luck Meulin. Try to+ have fun.  
GC: just not 1n porrz w4y 4t th3 f1rst d4t3  
GA: I never implied that.  
CT: 8==D< I am STRONGly optimistic about your chances Meulin.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AAAAW THANKS <>  
CT: 8==D< <>

**== >Reader: be Meulin**

You are now MEULIN LEIJON, MAGE of HEART and RESIDENT SHIPPING MASTER. You are pretty sure you have never met KARKAT VANTAS before, but today you will. There isn’t a doubt in your mind that you will succeed in your task. After all, you like ROMANCE and you like GAMES. A romantic game such as the one you are currently beginning seems to be right up your alley.

In your mind’s eye, you have already succeeded. You will meet at SUNSET, the SAKURA drifting in the wind and Karkat’s TENTACLES will hold you in a romantic flushed embrace. Your kokoro will go doki-doki as your senpai finally noti---

No, wait. That was the climax of one of your ANIMES.

You know exactly why the others failed. They were not OPTIMISTIC enough. Luckily for Karkat, you got that more than adequately covered.

**== >**

After a period of HEAVY CATNIP ABUSE you tend to confuse reality and fiction every now and then. You have been clean for sweeps now. Literally, as the catnip in the DREAMBUBBLES was woefully ineffective. You tried time and time again to properly memorize it, but whenever you tried to use it, it just didn’t give you the same buzz as before. Not that you will admit those moments of weakness to anyone but HORUSS.

When you were at your WORST back on BEFORUS you actually got arrested for possession. Luckily your then matesprit KURLOZ managed to bail you out after a LONG TALK with the POLICINTEROGATOR. You never quite figured out how he did it. You suppose he just had a WAY WITH WORDS before the accident.

Funnily enough, you don’t really remember him being all that TALKATIVE in the first place.

**== >Meulin: Observe reflection**

You look at yourself in the mirror and fail to resist the urge to bump your nose against it’s reflection.

Your hair is a mess, but your smile is as bright as ever. You make an honest attempt to make your hair a bit more presentable, but all you manage to do is make it more puffy. It doesn’t matter, because your appeal lies in your UNDYING OPTIMISM and your MAGNIFICENT RUMBLE SPHERES. You equip a smaller shirt just to EMPHASIZE your features.

”I think you are groovy, shall we go see a movie?” you giggle at your reflection and clumsily tilt yourself into a more seductive angle.”No? Then how about your place?”

You almost lose your balance giggling. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN!

**== >Meulin: Formulate plan of attack**

You have no plan whatsoever.

Some might consider this a liability, but you are CERTAIN everything will work out just fine. LOVE doesn’t come from meticulous planning but from SPONTANEITY and ATTRACTION. The latter is exactly why you are wearing a short skirt and your standard olive shirt, alchemized just one or two sizes too small. The former is all in your attitude.

Your plan begins and ends with meeting up with Karkat and seeing where that takes you.

**== >Meulin: Update shipping wall**

Your DANCESTOR would pawsitively kill you if she efur found your SHIPPING WALL. Not because one of your favorite ships right now is MEULIN <3 KARKAT, because you are pretty sure she doesn’t mind you flirting with her FRIEND. After all, they are just friendly FRIENDS together, who do friendly things together and have a completely friendly relationship. No reason for DRAMA there.

No, the reason she would kill you is your uncanny habbit of creating the WORST CRACKSHIPS possible. You quickly glance over the most recent additions to your wall.

PORRIM <3 ROXY  
HORUSS <3 TEREZI  
CRONUS <3 EQUIUS  
NEPETA’S HAT <3 FEFERI’S GOGGLES

JANE <3< LATULA  
JOHN <3< KANAYA  
RUFIOH <3< DAVE  
ERIDAN’S SCARF <3< ROXY’S SCARF

DAMARA <> JADE  
ROSE <> MEENAH  
KANKRI <> DIRK  
AUTORESPONDER <> ARADIABOT

MITUNA WOULD BE THE BEST AUSPISTICE FUR TAVROS AND JAKE.

**== >Meulin: Admit you have a problem**

You fail entirely to admit you may have a problem in regards to your shipping skills. After all, who but you can claim the title of SHIPPING MASTER? No one, that’s who.

**== >Meulin: Go after prey**

You get on all fours and wiggle your tail in anticipation. You POUNCE towards the door, then stand up and casually walk outside. It is fun to pretend.

It takes a while to get to KARKAT’S HIVE. You and a few other trolls prefer living on the OUTSKIRTS of the city you founded. You like the place you and your friends have build for yourselves. Though you sometimes miss the convenience of the dreambubbles, you are very glad to be ALIVE again. You get distracted by every little thing shiny or suddenly moving on your way. Its just SO MUCH FUN!

Finally you arrive at Karkat’s hive. A pretty normal block, except for the gaping hole where his door is supposed to be. You tilt your head and ponder what could have led him to remove his door like that. Perhaps a ventilation issue? It just doesn’t make sense.

**== >Meulin: Just ask him**

Yes, that is what you are going to do.

You casually walk into his hivestem and look around. It’s incredible quiet, but that might just be your own limitation. The hallway looks deserted and you don’t notice anyone sitting in the living room until you turn around.

Karkat is sitting on the couch with a book in his hands. His eyes try to drill holes into you and his mouth is moving rapidly but you can’t hear a word of what he is saying. Apparentely he is completely unaware of your CONDITION.

You smile brightly at him.”WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A DOOR KARKITTY?” you ask before sitting down next to him, personal space be damned. He looks at you, completely taken off guard by the volume of your voice. Thankfully, he responds in kind.

“I DON’T HAVE A DOOR BECAUSE YOUR ASSHOLE TEAMMATE SAW FIT TO TEAR THE FUCKING THING OF THE HINGES!” he shouts back. Your smile turns even brighter now you can hear him.

**== >Meulin: Look closer**

You note that the book he was reading is titled: ‘Game of regentseats’, the first part of the ‘Melody of cryogenically preserved liquid and exothermic combustion’ series. As an avid watcher of the corresponding series you squee just a little. It has provided you with some of the most glorious ships.

“I DIDN’T KNOW YOU READ GAME OF REGENTSEATS!” you squeal, practically bouncing on the couch.  
“RE-READING IT.” Karkat shouted back, absent-mindedly flipping through the pages.”CHECKING TO SEE IF I MISSED ANY OF THE FORESHADOWING.”  
You nod in agreement. The series is notorious for its twists and turns, but almost everything had gotten foreshadowed to some extent. You wonder if there are other stories that pull the rug out from under the reader so much despite foreshadowing.  
“I AM AT THE POINT THAT THE BASTARD RANGER CAPTURED THE WILDEBABE BUT REFUSES TO DECAPITATE HER.”

You can barely contain yourself in excitement.”I KNOW!” you shout, not caring for his eardrums, “THAT MAKES IT SO ROMANTIC WHEN HE FINALLY CONFESSES HIS LOVE FOR HER.”  
Karkat gives a nod of approval. You note it down as a small victory.”AND SO TRAGIC WHEN----“

**== >Meulin: start shipping**

The two of you extensively debate game of regentseats and the books it is based on for what feels like hours. You notice how much he emphasizes with the Bastard Ranger, which you think is kinda cute. The two of you really bond however, when the conversation steers towards the relationships between characters.  
“AND THE WAY THE EX-SLAVERADICATOR PINES AFTER THE YOUNG DRAGONQUEEN? MOG, I SWOON EVERY TIME!”  
“I THOUGHT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH THE NOMADOMINATOR WAS FAR MORE INTERESTING. THE GUY WAS SUCH A FUCKING BAD-ASS IT WAS INSANE.”  
“WHAT ABOUT THE SHE-GIANT AND THE KINGSGUARD? I REALLY LOVE THEIR CHEMISTRY.”  
“WELL, IT’S NOT NEARLY AS AMICABLE AS IN THE BOOKS, BUT I REALLY ENJOYED WATCHING THE TWO BOUNCE OFF OF EACH OTHER.”

“I JUST WISHED THE KINGSGUARD WOULD AUSPISTIZE BETWEEN THE MIDGETIER AND THE LIONQUEEN.” Ashen ships never get the love they deserve, and you sincerely believe an ashen relation between these three would work perfectly if the kingsguard would function as mediator. It is one of your ashen otp’s.

Karkat just looks at you in disbelief.”THE KINGSGUARD COULDN’T REMAIN IMPARTIAL IN THAT RELATION, HE IS COMPLETELY FLUSHED FOR THE LIONQUEEN.”

**== >Meulin: remain calm**

You bite your lower lip. Kingsguard <3 Lionqueen is one of your LEAST favorite ships in the series. It just doesn’t make sense for the normally savvy Kingsguard to be played by the Lionqueen like a sucker.  
But okay, alright, he is entitled to his idea, wrong as it may be. Whatever you do, don’t judge him on it. Repeat: do not ju—“

**== >Meulin: fail to remain calm**

“THAT IS THE WORST OPINION I EVER HEARD!” you shout back. Karkat blinks surprised before raising his own voice. It becomes loud even for you.  
“THERE IS NO EARTHLY FORCE THAT CAN DRIVE THE THREE OF THEM IN A SINGLE QUADRANT!”  
“WELL IT’S BETTER THAN THE KINGSGUARD AND LIONQUEEN IN A QUADRANT! THE KINGSGUARD HAS NO BUSINESS BEING WITH HER!”  
“IT’S GENUINE PITY YOU DIMWIT!”  
“THEN WHO IS GOING TO KEEP THE ESCALATING HATE BETWEEN THE MIDGETIER AND LIONQUEEN IN TACT? BECAUSE THE LIONKING SURE ISN’T DOING IT, BECAUSE TALK ABOUT IMPARTIAL!”  
“NO ONE IS STOPPING IT, THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO TRAGIC!”  
“MOG!”

The debate rages on for hours before you storm of.

The fact that you just lost the game doesn’t even register in your shippers rage.

* * *

 

**\-- absoluteCatastrophe [AC] opened memo: vwantas not allovwed--**

AC: \\(=>..<=)/ MOG!!!!  
AC: /(=>..<=)\ HE IS JUST THE WORST KIND OF…….  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ OF WORST KINDS!!!!!!

**\-- genderAbberance [GA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--**

GA: Are yo+u alright Meulin?  
TC: :o)  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ I’M FINE, JUST ANNOYED.  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ I WAS KIND OF HISSING AT KARCAT SO I DON’T THINK I’M GONNA WIN THIS GAME NOW.  
AA:よい。  
AA:私はまだ機会を得ました。  
GA: That makes fo+ur attempts o+n Karkat’s quadrants and fo+ur failures.  
GA: I believe the po+o+r bo+y must be getting rather frustrated himself.  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?  
GC: 1s 4lr1ght porr1m  
GC: you go 3nd th1s g4m3 4nd scor3 tot3s v1ctory for th3 r4d b4b3z  
TC: [:o(](http://media.giphy.com/media/13EvGrrGWF5EC4/giphy.gif)  
GA: Do+ no+t be alarmed kurlo+z. I am merely ending the game.  
GA: I do+ no+t see any po+tential fo+r a lo+ng term relation+nship.

**\-- casualArtist [CA] joined memo--**  
 **\-- cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--**  
 **\-- assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--**  
 **\-- cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--**

CC: Maryam!  
CC: YOU B---ETTA NOT DO WHAT I T)(INK YOU GONNA DO!  
GA: And what do+ yo+u think I am go+ing to+ do+?  
CC: usin yo slutty waves to get to nubby!  
GA: I wo+uldn’t call it so+mething so+ unpleasant.  
CA: oh come on  
CA: that wvas so wvhat i wvas trying to do  
CA: she is totally stealing my idea  
AG: Unlike you Cronus, Porrim may actually pull it off.  
CT: 8==D< Victory is achieved by establishing a quadrant with Karkat Vantas.  
CT: 8==D< I believe all means to achieve this are allowed.  
CT: 8==D< Unless my fellow judges have something to say about it.  
GC: 1s 4 b1t 3xtr3m3 1s 4ll

**\-- ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--**  
 **\-- twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--**

AT: Gee, 1 don’t really know…  
AT: 1ts a bit much porr1m  
TA: DO 17  
TA: FL45H YOUR 7175!  
GA: That is very inappro+priate Mituna.  
TA: 0H.  
TA: 50RRY  
AA:署名された売春婦がそれを与えられる場合  
TA: BU7 1 4M NOT RLTY 50RRIE5.  
AA:私もできます。  
AT: Please behave Damara…  
AT: 1 really want to trust you on th1s, but 1f you act all susp1c1ous l1k3 1 cant let you part1c1pate…  
AA: DAMARA WILL BE GOOD GIRL  
AA: WILL YOU BE GOOD BOY?  
AT: Err…  
AA: NEVER CHEAT ON MATESPRIT EVER?  
CT: 8==D< Of horse. Rufioh w001d never do something as morally despicable as cheat.  
TC: [:oI ](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8203465984/h0FEDDF57/)  
AG: So, 8efore this gets any more awkward.  
AG: Meulin, I 8elieve you owe us a story.  
AC: /(=>..<=)\ I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT IT ANY MORE AWKWARD!  
CC: Just spill the beans leijon.  
CC: What was your big plan?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I HAD NONE!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I LET IT ALL HAPPEN NATURALLY  
CA: and you wvonder wvhy it didn’t wvork?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ MOG CRONUS, YOU CANNOT FORCE LOVE! LOVE JUST HAPPENS!!!!!  
CA: wvhatewver  
CT: 8==D< A beautif001ly optimistic out100k on the matter, of which I approve 100%  
CT: 8==D< <>  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ BUT WE BEGAN TALKING!!!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND THEN WE BEGAN SHIPPING!!!  
TA: 0H FUCL N0!  
CC: So what the fuck goes wrong?  
CC: if you manage to convince shouty to join your little shipping game you must a been doin somefin right.  
AC: /(=-..-=)\ HE SHIPS COMPLETELY WRONG!!!  
GC: 1s th4t 3v3n 4 poss1b1l1ty?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ APPARANTELY!!!  
AG: So what happened?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I GOT MAD AFTER A LONG ARGUMENT ON AUSPISTISMS IN ‘A MELODY OF CRYOGENICALLY PRESERVED LIQUID AND EXOTHERMIC COMBUSTION’  
TA: WHY 3V3N R34D 5H17 BOWKS FR N3RTFDS?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ AND THEN I WENT HOME.  
CC: I am not entirely shore what to think of that.  
GC: Sounds to m3 l1k3 l31jon got th3 l34st 4wkw4rd 3nd  
GC: m4yb3 w3 4r3 m4k1ng progr3ss >8]  
AA:それを疑います。  
GA: Well then….  
GA: If it is alright with the judges, I believe I shall pay Karkat a visit.  
CC: DON’T YOU BE FUCKIN WIT)( S)(OUTY!  
GA: O+h calm do+wn.  
GA: As if I wo+uld go+ all the way with so+meo+ne I barely kno+w.  
CC: ………  
GA: Yo+u actually think that bad o+f me do+nt yo+u?  
CA: ………  
GA: Sigh.  
GC: Th3y 4r3 just 1nt1m1d4t3d popo m3rryg4mz  
GA: Let them be.  
GA: I am o+nly do+ing this to+ ease that bo+ys frustratio+ns with o+ur gro+up.  
TA: 4NT T00 FRUK H1M!  
CT: 8==D< Captor, she just said that she w001dnt.  
TA: BU7 SH3 15 GONN4!  
AA:私、でしょう  
AT:damara ない  
GA: I shall give yo+u the full repo+rt co+me mo+rning.  
GA: Wish me luck.  
CC: No, I wont.  
GC: Show 3m how 1ts don3!!!

**== >Reader: Be Porrim**

You are now PORRIM MARYAM, MAID of SPACE and allegedly the village TWO-WHEEL DEVICE for concupiscent relationships. Those accusations do not really bother you. While they call you slutty, you call yourself LUSTFUL. They call it easy, you call it PASSIONATE. Though the difference between those interpretations is entirely subjective, you vastly prefer your own. Why give negative connotation to something so excuisitely positive? There was no better way to pass time in those endless dreambubbles then finding a few like-minded deceased and enjoying what sensations could still be felt.

It is exactly the reason why they failed and the reason you will succeed. After all, you are much more EXPERIENCED than your fellow players. You know what the body wants and how to give it.

You briefly wonder whether to seduce Karkat in the BLACK or the RED quadrant. It hasn’t escaped your notice that this game never specified what quadrant to pick. If he is anything like Kankri however, he will surely prefer redrom.

You do not mind. It makes it a lot easier. Rivalry takes so much more time to build up, whereas pity can be easily manipulated.

**== >Porrim: Flirt with reflected image**

You do a few sexy poses in front of the mirror, despite it feeling a bit silly. You are confident in your looks and are not afraid to show off a little. Some other trolls can barely contain their jealousy, but you don’t mind. Let them look and judge. They don’t know you; you know you.

Though the cleavage shown in your dress might be a bit much. If you were to run they would probably slip out.

Then again, you weren’t planning on running.

**== >Porrim: Cycle through outfits**

Like your dancestor you have a taste for fine clothes and together with her, you have crafted quite a few. Classy cocktaildresses, skirts tailormade for warm summer days, and even a few more risqué outfits that you probably shouldn’t wear in broad daylight. You hastily scroll past those outfits. Even in the confines of your own hive you feel a little uncomfortable in the catsuit and nurse outfit.

You decide to stick with what you normally wear. Showing a fair bit of leg and cleavage without being too overt seems like the best strategy.

**== >Porrim: Open fridge**

Your fridge holds a several BLOOD CONTAINERS, ranging across the hemospectrum. On your friends’ request you alchemize it rather then drink it the traditional way. It takes away some of the fun, but it is a lot more efficient. Now you don’t need to walk a few blocks to get a midnight snack.

You áre running conspicuously low on RED however. This could be a good opportunity to scratch that particular itch.

Perhaps it is the predatorial instinct of the RAINBOW DRINKER speaking, but you really hope you can combine tonight’s game with refilling on red. If nothing else, it would give you an incredible thrill. You will deny all allegations of being inspired by trashy rainbow drinker novels, but it certainly would be convenient if that was the case.

**== >Porrim: Go for it**

You saunter to Karkat’s hive, which now has a very blatant ‘KEEP OUT’ sign posted on the lawnring. Did your predecessors mess up that badly or is he just a very private person? Either way, you are not planning on listening to what a mere sign tells you. You are a rainbow drinker damnit, the deadliest predator of the day. You have no time obeying every little sign you come across.

That being said however, you are a traditionalist. You WOULD knock on the door and see if you could persuade Karkat to INVITE YOU IN, but the door seems to be missing entirely. How are you supposed to live out your rainbow drinker fantasies if you cannot even properly knock on a door? Shenanigans you say.

Instead you casually ring the doorbell. It isn’t nearly as dramatic, but it was very conspicuously hanging there. You’d have to be awfully silly not to notice it.

**== >Porrim: Ring the doorbell**

The very moment the bell rings through the hive, the swearing begins. A plethora of fucks, shits and damns could be heard as the grumpy troll stormed down the stairs.

“Charming.” You think, rolling your eyes.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” Karkat growled. He averted his eyes and crossed his arms. He was clearly very uncomfortable. ”WHAT IS IT WITH YOU BEFORUS MORONS SUDDENLY COMING OVER EVERY OTHER GRUBFUCKING DAY!? IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?!”

“It is not a joke.” you purr, quickly changing the subject.”Kanaya informed me that you could…. Assist me with something.”

A half truth really. You have spoken a lot with your dancestor during your design sessions and learned that Karkat was quite willing to be fed off. You know from experience how important it is to make your partner feel special, to make them feel like they are the only one that can satisfy your need.  
Your need is that which Karkat is most ashamed off, but you will coax it out of him.

AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WOULD YOU NEED ME FOR?”  
“I would rather discuss that…… In private.” You whisper huskily. For just a moment your skin turns luminescent. Karkat shivers, but seems to get the hint.  
“FINE…” he groans.”WHATEVER, COME IN.”

**== >Porrim: enter**

Karkat guides you to the living room. A sad state really: merely an old viewing box, two dusty couches and an old videogame console. You strut past him and take place on the couch.  
“YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?!”  
“No thank you.” you say sultry.

You look at him expectantly, but he sits down on the other couch. Drat.

“SO WHAT, IN THE NAME OF MY EVER SHRINKING PATIENCE, IS THIS ABOUT?!” he says strongly, even though he is fidgeting on the couch. More than once you saw his gaze linger to your bossom.  
Your lips curl up to a smile and you boldly saunter to his couch to sit down next to him.

“Karkat…” you say in a low voice, wording his name like it’s the most important think in the world to you, “I’m so thirsty.”  
“I JUST OFFERED YOU A FUCKING—“  
You rest your hand on his leg and he falls quiet. It takes all your concentration not to chuckle as you scoot a little closer.  
“Kankri won’t let me drink from him anymore.” you lie. Simply You don’t want to drink from him anymore. He turns it into way to big of a deal.  
The dimly lit room is slowly overtaken by your white glow. Your fingers draw circles on his leg as you lick your lips.

“I am dying for some delicious…. red….. blood.” you sigh.  
“CAN’T YOU JUST ASK SOMEONE WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT HUE?” he is squirming already. It is adorable.”LIKE ARADIA OR DA—“ His breath hitches. You have your hand on his inner theigh and slowly inch upward. It is a game to you.  
“I want you…..” you say in a helpless whisper. You can practically see the pity in his eyes.

You lean closer against him and he tilts his head enough to give you access to his neck. It is lovely to be the predator again. You can smell the red blood coursing through his veins, you can sense his every heartbeat pumping and you can feel his anxiety as your hand slowly crawls upwards. You can’t actually see his bulge trash in his pants, but you are fairly certain that it is a thing that is happening.

“I will make it worth it your while…..” you assure him. Your teeth graze over his skin as your hand teasingly rubs. You can hear him sigh in pleasure. There is nothing better then making sure your victims remain in ecstacy. You want to get him addicted to the sensation of being seduced and used like this. You briefly wonder if your dancestor ever tried something like this with her friends, before letting your fangs come into contact with his skin again.

His every shiver is painfully beautiful. Your hunger is calling out for blood.

You plan to sink your teeth into him, guide his hands to your breasts and let him do as he pleases. Just not all the way. You want your victim to struggle and beg, to give them a false sense of control only to deny him the thing he’ll want most. The entire idea just gets you so hot and hungry.  
You scrape your teeth against his skin again and can barely contain yourself.

You lean into him.

“Come to mommy.”

**== >**

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!”

You jump back in shock. The knee-jerk reaction caught you completely of guard and his arm grazed one of your fangs. Damn, that feels unpleasant.

“I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK A HUMAN MOTHER IS SUPPOSED TO BE AND YOU INTEND TO HAVE SUCH A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME?! THAT IS SO INCREDIBLY MESSED UP, YOU COULD GIVE ME TWO WEEKS AND I STILL WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO LIST EVERY SINGLE THING WRONG WITH IT! IT IS LIKE THE UNIVERSE HAS MADE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU ALPHA MORONS EQUALLY HORRIBLE, IN A CRUEL ATTEMPT TO MAKE MY LIFE JUST A LITTLE BIT WORSE!”

“Karkat I—“

“IF YOU ARE GOING TO TRY HUMAN SEMANTICS, AND I WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK ANY SELF-RESPECTING TROLL WOULD LOWER HIM OR HERSELF TO SUCH DEPRESSING STANDARDS, AT LEAST TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT YOU TAKE THE ROLE EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF A LUSUS. NOW REMEMBER YOU HAD YOUR HAND PRACTICALLY ON MY BULGE AND REALIZE HOW FUCKING MESSED UP THAT IS! SERIOUSLY, WHAT LUSUS WOULD MOLEST THEIR SPAWN LIKE THAT!!! IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING THAT YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER BRINGING SUCH A DYNAMIC INTO THIS!”

You attempt to salvage it. You place your hand on his shoulder but he mercilessly continues.

“AND THEN ANOTHER FUCKING THING!”

You come to the obvious conclusion that Karkat is indeed related to Kankri.

“AT LEAST KANAYA HAS THE FUCKING DECENCY TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE BIG PLAN IS WHEN SHE FEEDS OF YOU! I WASN’T SURE WHETHER YOU WERE GOING TO BITE ME, MOLEST ME OR BOTH!”

You don’t have the heart to say both.

“YOU JUST BARGE IN HERE AND DEMAND TO BITE ME!? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSED UP SOCIAL CONDUCT IS THAT?! ‘OH HI, I’M AT YOUR DOOR AND WOULD LIKE TO NIBBLE YOUR NECK FOR A BIT. WE COOL?’ NO WE NOT COOL CAUSE THAT IS A STUPID FUCKING WAY TO GO ABOUT IT! WHAT ABOUT A PHONECALL?! WHAT ABOUT A FUCKING MESSAGE ON PESTERCHUM?! THEY DID HAVE PROPER SOCIAL ETIQUETTE ON BEFORUS RIGHT? HAHAHAHA OH FUCKING HAH, WAIT, I’M NOT SURE IF THERE IS PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR RAINBOW DRINKERS. WELL THERE FUCKING WELL SHOULD BE TO AVOID AWKWARD FUCKING SITUATIONS LIKE THIS! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWKWARD IT’S LIKE TROLL RUSSELL CROWE’S SINGING VOICE AND HUMAN CHRISTOPHER WALKEN’S ACTING HAD A WRIGGLER AND NAMED IT ‘THIS EXACT FUCKING SITUATION!’

You are pretty sure you can’t win this anymore and slowly abscond while Karkat continued ranting.

Somewhere amidst this, you made a horrible mistake.

You are definitely not going to admit this to your friends.

**== >Porrim: Abscond**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left: the worst of the bunch.
> 
> Kinda took Meulin's failure from a fancomic wherein Karkat and Nepeta begin a rivalry based in shipping and can be read [here](http://mspabooru.com//images/14/7c4f163971951f0f1241a405b7b8e7b85f0e2af6.png?32887)   
> Porrim was either going to be this or taking her sexuality to the point where it was going to be hilariously inept 'Oh no, you found me. And my wardrobe is malfunctioning'. Yes, this was definitely the more subtle option and isn't that a depressing thought.
> 
> Stay tuned for the thrilling finale. Soonish.


	4. Chapter 4

**\-- genderAbberance [GA] opened memo: vwantas not allovwed--**

GA: I co+me bearing go+o+d news and bad news.

**\-- cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--**  
**\-- casualArtist [CA] joined memo--**  
**\-- absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo--**  
**\-- gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--**  
**\-- terrorCarnival [TC] joined memo--**

CC: just gimme the bad news first maryam  
CC: im a big gill, i can take it.  
CA: wvait a minute i wvant to hear the good newvs first  
CA: it makes the bad newvs more bareable to hear  
GC: 444444W SH13T!  
GC: th3 good n3ws 1s th4t th3 g4m3 1s ov3r!!!  
GC: th3 b4d n3ws 1s you punks lost b1g t1m3!!!  
GC: c4n 1 g3t 4 h3ll y34h m3rryg4mz!?!  
GC: so tell m3, how w4s h3?  
TC: [:o(](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/scsc.gif)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU HAVE FUN PORRIM?  
CC: screwin with my shouty  
CA: fuckin my newv muse  
GA: Actually, it might please yo+u to+ hear that yo+ur precio+us sho+uty remains a single tro+ll.  
GC: WH4T?!  
GA: So+ there is no+ need fo+r yo+ur dirty lo+o+ks.  
TC: [:oo](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/a9dg9OL_460sa_v1.gif)   
GA: The bad news being that this game co+ntinues.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY IS THAT A BAD THING?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I THINK THIS GAME IS CATASTIC!  
GC: 1 g3t 4 kick of 4ll th3 m4d stor13s 1 h34r from you guys!!  
GC: h3ck, 1f 1 w4snt d4t1ng tun4 1d jo1n 1n for str41ght g1ggl3s!!!  
GC: fo r34l porz, th1s th1ng 1s th3 sh1t!!!  
CC: Not reelly  
CA: yeah, try hawving your guitar smashed  
CC: try bein humiliated by having your future matesprit faint in yo arms  
TC: [:o)](http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/aEwm5Zn_460sa_v1.gif)   
GA: I do+ believe that the lo+nger o+ur game will take, the mo+re chance kankri will have to+ catch o+n.  
GA: What if say, Damara cho+o+ses to+ expo+se us, sho+uld karkat decide no+t to+ date her?  
TC: [:oo](http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0sm7mU6Fx1qdewlro1_r2_400.gif) 

**\-- antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--**  
**\-- ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--**  
**\-- cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--**

AA: I NO CHEAT!  
AA: UNLIKE PEOPLE SOME!  
GA: *Unlike so+me peo+ple.  
AA: DON’T CARE.  
AT: Would you sell us out l1ke that g1rl?  
AA: BAKA  
AA:ない、場合、iプレー・ゲーム、私自身  
AA:どれくらい愚かですか、私はそうであると思います。  
CA: there she goes again in that alien language  
CA: i swvear she is just fucking wvith us at this point  
AA:私があなたと性交することを望みます。  
AA:私の喉を下って途中ずっとあなたの増加をとります。  
AA:それはあなたを興奮させるでしょうか、処女の少年?  
AT: No man, her altern1an 1s just ser1ously lack1ng…  
AT: She 1s a lot more… Colorful, 1 guess, 1n the eastern stuff…  
AT: Anyway, Porr1m may have a po1nt…   
AT: About Kankr1 catch1ng on 1 mean, not about Damara betray1ng us.  
CT: 8==D< I will trust your judgment in that regard.  
CT: 8==D< Despite my ceaseless merriment, I find mrs Megido e%ceedingly difficult to judge.  
CC: I think you suckas are over reactin.  
CC: We haven’t heard a glub from vantas since he felt left out, so I say we doin fine.

**\-- twistedAftermath [AT] joined memo--**  
**\-- assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--**

TA: V4N645 DO3SN7 KNOW 5H17!  
AG: Yes, I do think we are in the clear for now.  
CT: 8==D< I am overjoyed to hear that.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO WHO’S NEXT TO SEDUCE KARKITTY?  
TA: KURLOZ CU5 D4M4T4 W1LL F4RK1NG MURD45R H1M!!  
AC: /(=O..O=)\  
TC: [:o)](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/adNEXmM_460sa_v1.gif)   
GC: 1 thought w3 just dr3w str4ws?  
TA: W3 D1D BUT R1FUOH CH3473D L1K3 4 B1TCHAHJ!!  
GC: Wh4t?!  
CT: 8==D< What?  
AT: Whoa, hold your horses. 1 d1dnt do anyth1ng…  
AT: Kurloz won the draw completely leg1t1m4t3, w1thout eyebrow ra1s1ng funny bus1ness…  
AA:あなたは皮膜です。  
AT: 1 would just l1ke to uhm… have 1t on the record though that 1 would feel a lot more conf1dent 1f damara had a mo1ra1l to keep her 1n l1ne when 1ts her turn…  
CC: )(A)(, as if anemone here eels the need to pap megido.  
AA:魅力を否定します。  
CA: you knowv wvhat, I don’t ewven really care  
CA: if maryam and myself failed in getting to him there is no wvay those twvo are gonna  
TC: [:o)](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/719/514/e31.gif)   
AG: Speaking of which.....  
AG: What happened Porrim? I was certain you would 8e a8le to handle the situ8ion.  
GC: y34h s3rz popo, wh4t g1v3s?!  
GA: O+h, that is a lo+ng and incredibly tedio+us sto+ry.   
GA: I wo+uldn’t want to+ bo+ther yo+u.  
AT: CXOM3 ON  
AT: BO7H3R US  
CT: 8==D< I too am STRONGly curious as to what c001d have hindered your attempt at seducing the other vantass.  
CC: vantas.  
CT: 8==D< E%cuse me your horseness?  
CC: his name. its vantas. not something you can easily misspell.  
CT: 8==D< I was considering branching out my hoofbeastpuns to related, similarly hoofed mammals. Do you like it?  
CC: not particularly.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WELL I THINK ITS WONDERFUL!!!!  
CA: don’t encourage him leijon  
AT: 7H3 5TORY FUCW1TZ!  
AG: Indeed. I would like to hear her tale.  
GA: I co+uld do+ witho+ut sharing really.  
TC: [:o( ](http://allthingsdiscgolf.com/wp-content/uploads/TellME.gif)  
GA: Well, lets see…..  
GA: I tried to+ put o+n the rainbo+wdrinkerspiel and, lo+ng sto+ry sho+rt, he wasn’t into+ it and send me ho+me.  
GA: It was a bit unpleasant.  
GC: th4t c4nt b3 4ll!!!  
GC: g1v3 us th3 d33ts!!!

**\-- cavalierGargarization [CG] joined memo--**

CG: I am very well 9f the fact that I inadvertedly trigger cr9nus 6y shaming his trust and entering this mem9, 6ut I feel that a few things have t9 6e cleared up t9 av9id triggering situati9ns like the 9ne that 9ccured yesterday. Please d9 n9t 6e alarmed, I w9nt 6e l9ng. This is merely s9mething I need t9 get 9ff my chest and s9mething 9thers may need t9 hear t9 av9id making similar mistakes.  
GA: O+h go+ds….  
CG: 9h g9ds indeed P9rrim, fr9m whichever religi9n y9u may prefer. N9t 9nly have the events 9f yesterday severly triggered my dancest9r, it als9 served as a reminder that y9u can simply n9t 6e trusted where c9ncupiscent quadrants are c9ncerned. Just 6ecause Karkat happens t9 6e single, d9es n9t aut9matically mean he desires t9 f9rnicate with every pers9n, tr9ll human 9r 9therwise, that thr9ws him, her 9r itself at his feet.  
TA: WH47 15 H4PP3N1NG?!  
CG: Yesterday, P9rrim saw fit t9 visit my dancest9r. N9t that it is any 9f my 6usiness h9w and why, if she had succeeded in making her visit 6rief and respectful. Alas, this was n9t the case and karkat c9ntacted me m9ments after her departure t9 explain just h9w triggered he was. Inadvertedly, his explainati9n caused severe triggers itself, including #f9ul language, #explicit language, #metaph9rs alluding to incest and/9r 6estiality. That last 9ne is a trigger I d9 n9t get t9 use 9ften, s9 imagine my surprise.  
CC: brb, contemplating sufishide.  
CG: P9rrim allegedly harassed Karkat int9 letting her feed 9ff 9f him, despite having the alchemizati9nc9des f9r every available shade 9n the hem9spectrum which leads me t9 6elieve she had an ulteri9r m9tive. When his testim9ny c9ntinued, it 6ecame a66undandly clear that this was indeed the case. N9t 9nly was P9rrim 9ut f9r 6l99d, in a n9ne-revenge c9ntext, 6ut she attempted t9 engage in a perverted r9leplay with my descendant.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WHY DIDN’T I TRY THAT!?  
CG: What was that Meulin?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ NOTHING, CARRY ON.  
CG: The purp9se 9f this r9leplay was that P9rrim w9uld take the r9le 9f the human equivalent 9f a lusus whereas Karkat w9uld take the r9le 9f the human charge. F9rnicati9n 6etween the tw9 parties was implied 6ut never c9mfirmed.   
TC: :o(   
CG: N9w it is n9t my place t9 further scrutinize P9rrim’s sexual preferences, I d9 feel 96liged t9 say that is it remarkably tasteless t9 g9 after my descendant like this. I imagine that, 6ecause 9f the aesthetic similarities 6etween us, it w9uld 6e an affair that is awkward f9r all parties inv9lved. N9t 9nly that, 6ut despite 9ur similar physical ages 9ur mental ages are far higher than th9se 9f the 6eta tr9lls, which 6rings us t9 the next trigger: age difference.  
GA: I refuse to+ believe that is a real trigger.  
CG: F9r s9me pe9ple, it definitely is.  
CG: Regardless, I w9uld advise t9 n9t treat a p9tential relati9n with my descendant as friv9l9us as y9u have dem9nstrated and if y9u must pursue this n9 d9ubt d99med venture, please take the aff9rementi9ned triggers in acc9unt. Still, I must suggest y9u d9 n9t pursue this, 9n acc9unt 9f it making b9th me and my descendant severly unc9mf9rta6le.  
CG: That will 6e all f9r n9w. I shall c9ntact y9u if I have 9ther pressing 9pini9ns 9n the matter. 

**\-- cavalierGargarization [CG] left memo--**

CC: FINNALLY!  
CA: i thought he wvould newver shut up  
GA: Indeed…….  
GC: so…………  
GC: w3 st1ll do1ng th1s r1ght?  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ OH ABSOLUTELY.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ANY IDEAS KURLOZ?  
TC: [:o) ](http://media.giphy.com/media/VEZMSU9NQKxHy/giphy.gif)  
TC: [;o)](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/lube1.gif)   
AC: [\\(=^..^=)/ ](http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/baelish.gif)  
TC: [:o) ](http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/hhs.gif)  
TC: [:o)](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loagh2Gan11qktqch.gif)   
AC: [\\(=^..^=)/](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/a9dorA0_460sa_v1.gif%20)   
TC: [:o)](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/axN5zvY_460sa_v1.gif%20)   
TA: F43K 4LL TH353 G1F5!!!!  
GA: I think yo+u are severly underestimating the difficulty o+f yo+ur task Kurlo+z.  
AG: Yeah, no kidding.  
TC: [:oI](http://i.imgur.com/WzKQNoi.gif)   
AA: JUST WAIT  
AA: HE MINE  
TC: [:o)](http://media.giphy.com/media/HyCYBoWiqVkeQ/giphy.gif)   
AG: Should you not 8e going then?  
TC: [:oo ](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/635/295/139.gif)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ GOOD LUCK KURLOZ!  
TA: Y34H GOD LUKC B7O

**== >Reader: Be Kurloz**

You are now KURLOZ MAKARA, PRINCE of RAGE and EX-DISCIPLE of the ANGEL OF DOUBLEDEATH. Surviving the end of the HOLY game means that you are pretty much out of a JOB. You do not particularly mind, as it gives you more time to do what YOU want and who you want, the current target in your crosshair being one KARKAT VANTAS. You admit, you have seen very little of the gentleman in question, but if the rest of your LOSER TEAM wants him, then there is no better way to establish HIGHBLOOD SUPERIORITY than by claiming him as your own.

If PYROPE wasn’t so against the usage of CHUCKLEVOODOOS he would have been yours the moment AMPORA opened the memo. You swear, some days you could actually see yourself going BLACK for her. Come to think of it: you can actually see yourself in black flings with most of your team. Except Meulin and Mituna, those guys are kinda alright. How they and the rest of your team never caught onto your true alliance however, remains a mystery even to you. Perhaps it was part of the ULTIMATE JOKE.

**== >Kurloz: Observe self**

Your reflective surface is probably the largest among your team, second only to the one PEIXES has. Not that you are keeping score. You need it to fix your make-up every morning. People tend to underestimate the EXTREME DILLIGENCE and DEVOTION it takes to be a true follower of the MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS. Even though the final joke was on them and you don’t really take their words to heart anymore, it’s kinda difficult breaking out of the routine.

The reflection shows your purple eyes, white face, messed up hairdo and stitched up mouth. One day, the ANGEL OF DOUBLEDEATH appeared in your dreams while you were chilling in your motherfucking slime. For his JUJU majykks to work, he needed to confide its secret weakness to someone, because ANGEL MAJYKKS are weird like that. You woke up with the vastest HONK you could muster, when the ultimate joke finally became clear to you.  
In return for your LORDS trust, you have sown your mouth shut, thrown away all writing utensils and even removed the lettered keys from your HUSKTOP, so you would NEVER betray the secret. Oh, and Leijon was there too. You guess. She was very cool about the whole thing.

Your RELIGION is a LOST CAUSE now really. You might as well remove the STITCHES if that shit wouldn’t hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER.

**== >Kurloz: Commit casual act of blasphemy**

You turn on a CD of the most OFFENSIVE fucking group you could find, trying to philosophize about the TRUE NATURE of MIRACLES. It doesn’t even anger you anymore. This is how little your faith means to you now. This is how little anyone’s doctrine or anyone’s orders mean to you now.

The ENDGAME had been ENLIGHTENING in its own miraclulous little way. You are a completely free spirit now, not taking orders from anyone and doing as you damn well please, when you please it. One might even call you CAPRICIOUS or at the very least extremely motherfucking WHIMSICAL.

You are so free, in fact, that you begin to wonder why you are following the orders of a disembodied voice.

Maybe you didn’t feel like committing that casual act of blasphemy. Maybe you want to be your own person and stop listening to any voice that may invade your personal space, amazing though that voice may be.

Why ARE you following that voice anyway?

**== >**

Well, you are following the sound of my soothing, if not completely sensual voice, to give structure and meaning behind your actions. Were I not present, you would be completely unhinged and--

Wait, where are you going?

**== >Kurloz: Return to hive and resume unnecessary activities**

Okay, you are walking towards Karkat’s hive now. That’s not a bad thing, the story was going there anyway, but would it kill you to go back? We haven’t REALLY delved into your relation with Meulin, which was far less ROMANTIC than everyone assumes it is. We haven’t even touched your relationship with MITUNA at all or how the two of you became MOIRAILS.  
Come on, this would be a interesting aspect of your life to analyse and would add some depth and meaning to you as a character.

No? You are just going to continue walking?

Fine, fine. Let me think.

**== >**

You spot a cloud that looks a little like a HELMET and you can’t help but reminisce about your moirail, that adorable motherfucker. After his ACCIDENT he lost all inhibitions and found his own motherfucking ENLIGHTENMENT, speaking his mind whenever he pleased. But you found that he needed someone more qualified than his dumb bitch matesprit to guide him on his newfound path to freedom and….

You know, you are being exceptionally rude today. I know I am grasping for straws here, with cloud shapes and whatnot, but you are making this very hard on me.

Let’s try this again shall we?

**== >Kurloz: Patiently wait outside of Karkat’s hive**

Okay, no. You are now doing the complete opposite of what I told you to do. Are you taking pleasure in mocking me or is this all part of your conniving plan to get into the redblood’s undergarments?

You are stealthily climbing up the stairs while continuing to ignore the suggestions of the very handsome narrator. You place your ear against every door, trying to find out whether ot not Karkat is home at all.

Apparantely, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK. Karkat has not caught up to the story yet as you were SUPPOSED to continue to spend time at your own HIVE, meandering around and contemplating your mysterious and complex past. Perhaps he figured he had some time left to go and finally get himself a new DOOR.

Alas, YOU had to try doing this your way and look where that has led us?

**== >**

Well, in the empty RESPITEBLOCK of Karkat apparantely.

Huh, go figure…..

**== >Kurloz: Do NOT go on a PANTYRAID**

No!

**== >**

Do not do it!

**== >**

I am warning you!

**== >**

Kurloz Makara, you failed me yet again. This is why every omniscient narrator should have tortuous elevator music at hand at all times. Unfortunately, I left mine in my other pants.

You dig through his laundry like you are looking for gold. Much to your disappointment however you just find a lot of grey and black boxers, until you get to the bottom of the pile. You find a pair of white boxers decorated with red CRABS and a single bright red thong. JACKPOT?

You hear NOISE coming from downstairs. If only you hadn’t wasted time with this worthless pantyraid, you could have actually done something PRODUCTIVE. Now he is going to find you in his respiteblock with his boxers hung from your horns. There is no way you are gonna impress Karkat enough to become his matesprit anymore. Maybe you should just jump out of the window and save yourself the embarrassement and….

Why are you laughing?

**== >Kurloz: Make romantic gesture**

Have I perhaps underestimated you Kurloz? Do you have a plan after all?  
Why, you could have consulted with me you know.

Oh, right, the stitches. I really wish you were a little better at expressing yourself, you are so goshdarned difficult to get a read on. What could you be planning?

Kurloz no…. No. Unzipping your bodysuit does NOT count as a romantic gesture. It doesn’t count as a romantic gesture at all!!

Can you zip it up just a bit more? we can practically see your bulge and it makes both me and the reader very uncomfortable.

**== >**

Oh god, that was your plan all along wasn’t it?

And where did you get that BUCKET from? Do you keep that thing captchalogued at all times? These aren’t like human condoms, necessary for SAFE SEX, these are festishized objects nobody wants to acknowledge! Why are you acknowledging them!?

Kurloz, pal, this isn’t going to work. Please, the window is still an option. Get out before you do any more damage.

**== >**

Okay, now you are just not trying anymore.

Why would you even wear a SOMBRERO? I didn’t even know trolls had those! What function could those fancy hats possibly serve on BEFORUS? This is completely nonsensical!

**== >**

Yes, sure. That fake MOUSTACHE ties the entire thing together nicely. Maybe it will conceal your true identity so you may safe yourself the inevitable fallout. Do trolls even get facial hair? Let’s file that question for NEVER while we concern ourselves with the present.

There you are: a BARE-CHESTED, HAT-WEARING, MOUSTACHE-FAKING, BUCKET-HOLDING troll, waiting in the respiteblock of a potential paramour. You do not need to be an omniscient narrator to see where this is going.

**== >Door: Open**

Karkat opens the door to enter his respiteblock, only to be greeted with one of the strangest sights he had ever seen. In front of his recuperacoon stands a juggalo troll in a state of undress, wearing a half a bodysuit, a fancy hat and moustache all the while holding a bucket and waggling his eyebrows.

With a high-pitched whimper, Karkat decides to close the door again.

**== >Kurloz: Reflect**

Maybe it is time to acknowledge you are the only person finding this hot, with the possible exception of a chucklevoodood Meulin.

You creep.

**== >Reader: Be a more compliant troll**

You are now KARKAT VANTAS, KNIGHT of BLOOD and incredibly CONFUSED INDIVIDUAL. There are a lot of things you do not understand: the exact nature of your victory over LORD ENGLISH, the workings of strider’s thinkpan, john egbert’s source of perpetual energy of optimism, but the most recent thing that completely eludes you is the sudden influx in ALPHA TROLL ACTIVITY. Said activity certainly reached its APPEX tonight with the single most disturbing thing you will see all week.

First there is MEENAH PEIXES, generally cool person, who decided it would be the ‘perchfect’ fucking time to play dress up and come to your hive looking like the fuckmothering Condescension.

Second there was CRONOH AMPORA or something, who played a genuinely pleasant tune only to assault your auditory channels with such bile that you completely freaked out.

Third there was ARANEA SERKET, backstabbing bitch du jour, as expected with Serkets, who wanted your advice on some books. A surprisingly normal afternoon if only you avoided your fucking DANCESTOR.

Fourth was MEOWLIN LEIJON, shipsinker general, who was to fucking DENSE to realize the TRAGIC POTENTIAL of a blackrom between the MIDGETIER and the LIONQUEEN. Seriously, you will draw a DIAGRAM to show how just how wrong she is.

Fifth there was PORSOMETHING MARYAM, Kanaya’s DANCESTOR, who despite her very sensual attire COMPLETELY missed the mark in her attempt to either feed from you and/or molest you.

And just when you thought you had the worst, some WEIRD-ASS JUGGALO TROLL infiltrated your own RESPITEBLOCK and was waiting there, practically waving his bulge around.

Maybe it’s time to burn the hive down.

**== >Karkat: Initiate emergency plan.**

You grab out your HUMAN CELLUAR COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE and open the INSTANT MESSAGING APPLICATION.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] initiated communications with ectoBiologist [EB]\--

CG: JOHN.  
CG: YOU DO NOT KNOW *HOW* MUCH IT FUCKING HURTS BOTH MY COMMON SENSE AND MY THINKPAN TO DO THIS, BUT I NEED YOUR HELP.  
EB: oh.  
EB: sure karkat, what’s up?  
CG: MY HIVE IS BEING HAUNTED. I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE TONIGHT SO I NEED A PLACE TO HIDE.  
EB: oh!  
EB: if it is haunted just let me get my ectobiologist’s labsuit and we can totally unhaunt your hive.  
EB: i will be bill murray.  
EB: you can be dan akryod.  
EB: and i am pretty sure i can convince dave and jade to be ernie hudson and harold ramis.  
CG: JOHN. YOU COULD GIVE ME TWO OF YOUR HUMAN WEEKS AND I STILL WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO LISTS ALL THE REASONS YOUR DUMBSHIT PLAN WON’T WORK. A QUANTUM SUPERCOMPUTER WORKING THOUSANDS OF YEARS WON’T BE ABLE TO CALCULATE THE IMMENSE LEVEL OF FAIL YOUR PLAN WILL REACH.  
CG: STARTING WITH THE FACT THAT MY HIVE IS NOT HAUNTED BY GHOSTS BUT BY SHITTY TROLLS!  
EB: then why don’t you just lock the door?  
CG: I DON’T HAVE A DOOR!  
EB: well that’s kinda dumb.  
EB: is it an alien thing?   
EB: im pretty sure vriska is completely okay with doors, so I don’t really see the issue here.  
CG: JOHN JUST….. JUST STOP MOVING YOUR DUMB SEEDFLAP.  
CG: CAN I STAY OVER FOR THE DURATION OF A NIGHT YES OR NO?  
EB: well sure.  
EB: if you are okay with having cake for breakfast and possibly lunch.  
CG: WHY WOULD I OPPOSE YOUR DELICIOUS HUMAN CAKE? YOU, JOHN EGBERT HUMAN, ARE FUCKING SPOILED TO REFUSE SUCH A GLORIOUS FORM OF EDIBLE WARES.  
EB: oh whateeeeeeeever.  
EB: I’ll ready the guestroom so just come over whenever you are done with your haunting or whatever.  
EB: and if there are ghosts, do try to make pictures.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased communications with ectoBiologist [EB]\--

**== >**

Well, that is arranged.

You could think of worse places to spend the night. Strider’s place is a self-perpetuating disaster area, Serket insists on hoarding spiders and Terezi would have kept you up all night with her miserable attempts at roleplaying.

Not only that, but in the Egbert household, there is a very realistic chance of CAKE as breakfast. Failing that, you will at the very least be given some people food, as opposed to DAY OLD PIZZA or CHALK.

**== >Karkat: be distracted**

You saw something moving from the corner of your eye. You stop moving for a second to try and figure out what it was, before you continue moving.

**== >**

There it was again. Is someone flash-stepping? You think you would have noticed one or two insufferably smug remarks or at least a kick-me-note if it were any of the Striders.

**== >**

You look up and see curved horns, a terrifying smile and red eyes.

Oh, it’s just Aradia.

No, wait. You squint your eyes suspiciously as she calmly walks towards you. You don’t remember Aradia ever wearing a red skirt. Or having her hair in a bun….. Or smoking.

Ah, fuck. Two on one day.

**== >Karkat: Greet seventh alpha troll**

What do you want?’ you growled at Aradia’s dancestor. You were having a particularly shitty night and yet another goddamn alpha troll was not doing anything to lift your spirits. Damara appeared to be unimpressed. She casually exhaled a cloud of sweet smelling smoke.

You meet Makara today, yes?’ she said in a thick eastern accent.

OH, SO HE WAS A MAKARA!’ you yell. ‘WELL THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING FOREVER! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BECAUSE APPARANTELY, BEING A JUGGALO RUNS IN THEIR FUCKING DNA! WHAT THE FUCK WAS EVEN HIS GRAND IDEA?! WHAT IS ANY OF YOU ASSHOLE’S IDEA?! IS THIS A FUCKING GAME? HAS THIS BECOME THE TRUMAN SHOW AND IF SO, WHEN THE FUCK DID I TURN INTO JIM CARREY?!

Yes this is game.’ Damara answered, calmly walking towards the park.

WHAT!?’ you cry out before following her.’WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘yes this is game’.

That it is.’ She smiles. She sits down on a wooden bench and takes another puff of her strangely shaped cigarette.’We try you in turns to get quadrant. Great success.’

**== >Karkat: Flip the fuck out**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PEOPLE ARE PLAYING AN ASS-BACKWARDS GAME FOR MY QUADRANTS!? WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN THE POINT AS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU ALPHA DIPSHITS IS AN INSUFFERABLE SHITSTAIN WITH THE LIKEABILITY OF A SCORPION?! WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET THE SUBSTANTIALLY *WORSE* CAPTOR SO I CAN REJECT HIM TOO?!’  
‘Yes, we bad people.’  
‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THE BIG IDEA? HALF OF YOU APPEARED TO BE HORRIBLE FUCKING PEOPLE IN YOUR ATTEMPTS WHILE THE OTHER HALF APPEARED AS COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT! DID THE LEIJON GIRL EVEN HAVE A FUCKING PLAN?  
No, she dumb girlcat.’  
DID SERKET?’  
She think much too much.’  
IS EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM THIS FUCKING INCOMPETENT?!’  
Pretty yes.’  
THAT’S WHAT I AM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT! IN THE PAST WEEK I HAVE BEEN SHOCKED, ANGERED, TORTURED, ANGERED AGAIN, MOLESTED AND FUCKING CREEPED OUT, SO IF I SEE ANY OF THOSE TROLLS AGAIN TOMORROW I AM GOING TO THROW SUCH A FIT THAT IT WILL BECOME PART OF THE UNIVERSE ITSELF! IT WILL BE THE VAST FIT AND SIGNAL THE END OF EXISTANCE AS WE KNOW IT, AS EVERYTHING WILL BECOME ECLIPSED BY MY INSURMOUNTABLE ANGER!’  
Sounds fun’  
AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE!?’

Damara offers you her strangely shaped cigarette. You are not entirely sure what to think about the whole smoking thing, especially after that breathtaking rant.

it calms nerve’ she says.

**== >Karkat: Accept smoke**

You don’t know how quickly to accept her offer. If it really does calm the nerves your only reason for remaining pissed was the Truman-esque plot they’ve involved you in and the fact that no one informed you of this miracle smoke before.

You quickly inhale the warm, sweet smoke in your lungs and promptly cough everything up again. Your eyes are watering and you feel a strange pain inside.

THAT BURNS LIKE SHIT!’ Damara takes the cigarette back and slowly inhales.

Burn is good.’ she says calmly before exhaling the smoke again.’Burn means you alive. Try taking less.’ She offers the joint again and you tentatively accept. It feels good to just rant about this frustrating week and she seems to be willing to listen. You take a few deep breaths before attempting to smoke again.

**== >**

Damara pats you on the back when you manage to exhale without coughing. You don’t feel a lot calmer, but maybe it takes time to work. She doesn’t take it back yet so you carefully try to take another puff.

Sorry for team.’ She says, bowing her head just a little.’It funny game yes, but……’ Damara suddenly looked troubled and began wildly gesturing with her hands.’I sorry? Game got mean?rufiohは中間で、私が遊ぶことができなかったと言います。 彼は、赤いロマンスに出かける前に、私が青白い仲間を必要としたと言いました。 その後、魚女性は、誰も私とダイヤモンドを望まないと言います。 私にrufiohをもっと嫌わせてください。 彼が私にどのように隠しごとしたか、また、誰でもどのようにあなたに隠しごとしていたかに関して考えられたi、および私は残念です。

**== >**

You blink a few times, trying to comprehend what she just said but none of it registered. Damara just blushed and hid her head in her hands while cursing in the same strange language.  
‘Your Alternian is terrible.’ You say flatly.  
‘I know shut up.’ she says, a little defensive.’It better than you eastern dialect so we stuck.’  
‘Can you say: my team fucking blows?’

Damara giggled. You look suspiciously at the joint and wonder if it’s the cause behind her reaction.  
‘Me say much badder things about team.’

**== >**

The nights on Newternia feel cold and Damara scoots just a little bit closer to you. You can feel the effect of her miracle cigarette working as you feel a lot of your tension float away.  
‘So what about Alternian is so difficult to understand?’ you grumble.’Didn’t you have forever to fucking learn from your teammates in the bubbles?’  
‘You no want to talk to them.’ she sighed.’even when forever.’ She took a last puff before the joint was all but depleted. She flicked it on the ground and stomped it out.  
‘Well, what the fuck were you trying to say?’

Damara bit on her lower lip. She seemed to be at a loss for words.’I sorry? They bad to me, they bad to you so I feel alike?’

You tilt your head a little trying to decipher it. It almost kinda made sense.’They tried this fucking game on you too?’ your voice sounded a lot lower than you were used too.

‘I wish.’ Damara chuckled darkly.’no, but go behind back, cheat, tell no truth and make me angry.’ she shot you a smirk.’very angry.’

‘Can’t be as bad as getting played like a fool for a week.’ You growl, hiding your arms in your sleeves.’Fuck it’s cold.’

**== >**

‘I date Rufioh long time.’ she began explaining.’I learn him ways of east, I love him long time and we happy sweeps long. He cheats with ponyboy, make me mad, lie.’ Her expression grew dark. A few psychic sparks appeared around her hands, but when she realized she startled you, her expression mellowed a little and the sparks calmed down.  
‘OKAY, SO MAYBE THAT IS PRETTY BAD TOO.’ you admit.  
‘Then fishbitch tells more lie. Make me more angry until I angry with everything. If she not kill all with tumor I would kill all myself.’

‘AND NOW YOU PLAYED A DUMB GAME WITH THEM FOR MY QUADRANT?!’

‘I no want you to be matesprit.’ she mumbled, embarrassed.’I just want hurt peixes, rufioh and ponyboy. I think game is fun but not with your back for us to go behind.’

‘WELL, ITS BEEN FUCKING EONS SINCE THEY’VE DONE THAT. HOW LONG HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN IN THE BUBBLES?’

Damara shrugged.’Weed good. passes time quickly. no pain.’

’DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON?’ you suggest in your trademark sensitive fashion, ‘IF ASSHOLES LIKE THAT REMAIN ASSHOLES, IT’S JUST BEST TO CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY. TRUST ME, I KNOW. MY LAST MOIRAIL—‘

**== >Karkat: Realize**

You suddenly stop talking. This whole scenario is so incredibly pale you don’t even know where to start. You just really wanted to help this girl get over her past and start doing the right thing more often. You heard warnings from Meenah, Terezi and even Aradia but she can’t help being mildly disturbed. She was backstabbed two, if not more times, by people she trusted. And still, she appears to be more sane than any of the other alpha trolls you encountered. You feel like she is what would have happened if Aradia hadn’t taken dying so well. You feel like she deserves better.

Is she still playing their dumb fucking game? It seems so genuine, and she isn’t trying to become your matesprite, that is for certain.

Then again, the last time you helped such a potentially destructive troll, things did not exactly work out for the best, for any of the involved parties.

’What happen with last moirail?’ Damara asks curiously.

**== >**

‘I….. Kinda fucked up.’ you admit, feeling ashamed just by remembering it.’I turned out to be a complete waste of pale sentiment and he turned out to be more work than any moirail could realistically handle.’

She shrugged.’I sure you great moirail. You good talker.’

‘You think?’ you feel an involuntary blush on your cheeks.

‘Yes.’ she smiles brightly.’You just not met right moirail.’

You can feel your heart pound in your throat. She is noticing right? She does realize what an incredible pale sentiment oozes from her every syllable. A lack of proper Alternian speech can not be an excuse for this impromptu jam, right?

**== >Karkat: Receive text**

Oh god, saved by the bell. Your celluar communication device gives a few very loud and annoying vibrations. She just giggles and makes a tasteless joke about it resembling something else. You roll your eyes.

EB: hi karkat  
EB: are you stil coming?  
EB: did the ghosts get you?

**== >**

You look to Damara and back to your celluar communication device.

What will you do?

**== >**

‘Say, it really cold out.’ Damara says. She looks at you with a pitiful expression in her eyes, like a purrbeast caught in the rain.’You want go back to my place? Talk more?’

‘Are you sure?’ you ask. You can feel every beat your heart is making resound in your throat, your cheeks and your ears. This is not a drill, you repeat: this is not a drill.

‘Sure.’ She laughs.’You good talker.’

**== >**

CG: ACTUALLY, I THINK I’LL PASS.  
EB: what, really?  
EB: have you made peace with the ghosts?  
CG: NO JOHN….  
EB: oh, maybe like an alliance like in return of the king?  
EB: that would be so sweet.  
CG: YOU JUST COMPLETELY IGNORED THE PART WHERE I EXPLAINED THERE WERE NO ACTUAL GHOSTS IN MY HIVE RIGHT?  
EB: maaaaaaaaybe :B  
CG: LOOK, I FOUND ANOTHER PLACE TO STAY JUST….. JUST WISH ME LUCK OKAY?  
EB: uhm, okay?  
EB: good luck?  
EB: are you doing anything that needs more luck?  
CG: LOOK, I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH HUMAN MOVIES TO UNDERSTAND THAT IN MY CURRENT PREDICAMENT, IT IS CUSTOM THAT EARTH MEN GET A ‘GOOD LUCK’ FROM THEIR ‘BEST BRO’S’.  
CG: AND SINCE YOU ARE THE ONLY BRO CURRENTLY AVAILABLE, I AM ASKING YOU FOR A COMPLETELY UNIRONIC ‘GOOD LUCK’.  
EB: oh okay, sure.  
EB: good luck karkat.  
EB: i mean this 100%, without any trace of irony.  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: DON’T EXPECT TO HEAR HOW IT WENT.  
EB: how what went?  
CG: GOODBYE EGBERT.

* * *

 

**\-- terrorCarnival [TC] opened memo--**

TC: [:o(](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8216882944/h636DE2BF/)   
TC: [:o(](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8185171712/h52B49FB1/)  
TC: [:o(](https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8206259712/h7F047986/)  
TC: [:o(](http://rack.3.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA3LzE4Lzc1L0RyLldoby41Mjg5ZC5naWYKcAl0aHVtYgkxMjAweDk2MDA-/571ec44d/6da/Dr.-Who.gif)  
TC: [:o(](http://rack.1.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA3LzE4L2EwL2NyeWluZ3dhdGVyLjQ2NzZiLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4OTYwMD4/9fead436/c15/crying-waterfalls.gif)

**\-- cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo--**  
**\-- gnarlyCrailtap [GC] joined memo--**  
**\-- casualArtist [CA] joined memo--**

CC: for the love a god makara, we get it, ya failed in getting your squeeze on.  
CC: NOW STOP SPAMMIN T)(OSE GLUBBIN GIFS!  
TC: [:o(](http://rack.3.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA3LzE4LzczL3RlbXBlcnRhbnRyLjdkOWFkLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4OTYwMD4/2abc88ce/de5/temper-tantrum.gif)  
CC: oh my cod.  
CA: no offense makara but i am really happy you didn’t get the job done  
CA: nowv wve just hawve to wvait till megido fails  
CA: then for meenah to fail again  
CA: and then he wvill be all mine  
CA: i hawve updated my repertoire so you stand no chance  
CC: ---EXCUSE YOU?!  
CC: I am NOT failing this shit again!  
CA: wve both knowv you are about as romantic as a prayin mantis  
CC: O)( YOU J---ERK!  
GC: g1rlz pl34s3!  
GC: kurl1zz4, wh4t th3 3ff h4pp3n3d m4n?  
GC: you s33m l1k3 you 4r3 r34lly bumm3d out 1t d1dn’t work out!!  
TC: [:oI ](http://media.tumblr.com/8c52de576246423b7c58fd991e8e3588/tumblr_inline_n7x2ku26sT1qmyas3.gif)  
GC: uh huh, you f33l1ng b3tt3r?!  
GC: so wh4t w3nt down?!

**\-- ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo--**  
**\-- cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo--**  
**\-- assidiousGoddess [AG] joined memo--**  
**\-- genderAbberance [GA] joined memo--**  
**\-- twistedAftermath [TA] joined memo--**  
**\-- absoluteCatastrophe [CA] joined memo--**

AG: Please hold on for just a moment.  
AG: I would like to hear this story as well. Particularly the way Kurloz managed to communicate his intent with Karkat strikes me as an interesting topic.  
TC: [:o) ](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/2438306/body-language-o.gif)  
AG: ……..I see.  
GA: No+, that is a very effective metho+d dear.  
AG: I am aware, 8ut it is a little awkward to imagine.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ IT’S OKAY IF IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THIS TIME KURLOZ!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ WE CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN!  
TC: [:o) ](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltuq9nUGKX1qktqch.gif)  
TA: 5H17 1F 4NYON3 5HOULD H4V3 WON 1T55 KRULOZ!  
TA: GOOOODDDDASJBAB!!!  
TA: FUA;BV;ing!!!!  
TA: D4MMN177SZ!!1  
CT: 8==D< We are indeed nearing the point where every participant has attempted to attract the i100stious Karkat Vantas.  
CT: 8==D< If Megido fails, will the game start anew, or will we conc100de with no winners at all?  
AT: No, th1s 1s a pretty horr1ble development…  
AT: 1 really hoped kurloz or porr1m would have managed to w1n th1s th1ng…  
CC: What aboat me? I don’t count anemone?  
AT: 1t 1sn’t about that uhm, pe1xes. 1ts about damara…  
AC: /(=-..-=)\ ARE YOU STILL ON ABOUT THAT?  
AT: Look, all 1m say1ng 1s that there 1s a very real r1sk 1nvolved when she starts play1ng…  
CC: Whale she krilled me.  
GA: Yes, but yo+u killed everyo+ne.  
CC: Which worked out for the betta!  
AT: She also k1lled horuss, 1f 1 need to rem1nd you all…  
CT: 8==D< That is true, but like a majestic hoofbeast themed phoenix I arose, STRONGer and happier than ever before.  
AT: 1…  
AT: Look, you can’t just brush off the fact that she k1lled you.  
CT: 8==D< I believe that there is some misplaced antagonism from her side, but I bare her no ill will whatsoever.  
CT: 8==D< After all, such behavior w001d be a most grim and pessimistic one indeed.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ <>  
CT: 8==D< <>  
TA: YOU5 4R3 1N54N3!!#  
GA: But the po+int here is Rufio+h, if I understand yo+u co+rrectly, is that yo+u do+nt want Damara to+ get invo+lved in this game?  
TA: Yes…  
GA: I am so+rry, but yo+u sho+uld really have attempted to+ do+ so+ fro+m day o+ne. I do+nt think we can refuse her a chance no+w.  
GC: y34h bro!  
GC: w3 know you got 4 b1t of 4 h4rd on for pr3t3nd1ng to b3 r3spons1bl3 for h3r 4nd sh1t but g1v3 th3 g1rl 4 br34k.  
AT: She k1lled people, 1 don’t know how many t1mes th1s needs repeat1ng…  
CC: Hey, I hear you man.  
AT: And 1 am respon1ble for her Latula. 1t 1s k1nda my fault that she went off the deep end l1ke she d1d…  
CC: Yeah, I’m shore owning up to your mistakes like that will be a fuckboat a good now, chum.  
AG: Meenah, you are equally responsi8le for that……..  
CC: And I am shore damz is just WAITING for me to apologize.  
CC: please note that I am being as sharkastic as posseable right now.  
CC: I don’t wanna risk her hurting shouty with her psychic mindy things, cause seriously: that shit is hella painful.  
CA: look, I knowv this is all vwery fascinating and such  
CA: wve are getting a lot of emotions from this subject and i think it is totally cool that wve can open up to one another like that  
CA: but i really wvant to knowv wvhat happened wvith kurloz  
TC: [:o) ](http://media.giphy.com/media/13NNKrYUHJ9jva/giphy.gif)  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ OH NO!  
TC: [:o)](http://media.giphy.com/media/14x0257JkLbCeI/giphy.gif)   
TC: [:oI ](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/a9dozW6_460sa_v1.gif)  
TC: [:o(](http://media.giphy.com/media/128GjQtktRQWY0/giphy.gif)  
TA: 1 DON7 UNDEREWTND 7H15 5HIET7!  
GA: Neither do+ I…..  
TA: H4H4H4H4!  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ ITS PURROBABLY BETTER THAT WAY.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOULD WORK KURLOZ?  
TC: [:oI ](http://d3dsacqprgcsqh.cloudfront.net/photo/av0NWnO_460sa_v1.gif)  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ SO THAT MEANS TOMORROW IS DAMARA’S TURN!!  
AT: No, we just talked about th1s…

**\-- antisocialArbiter [AA] joined memo--**

AA: too late.  
AA: I already win.  
AT: What???  
GC: wh4t!?  
GA: what?  
TA: WH47?!?!  
CC: W)(AT?!  
AG: Excuse me?  
CA: wvhat?!  
TC: [:oO ](http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130101232054/degrassi/images/1/14/Jonah-hill-shock.gif)  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/  
CT: 8==D< How abso100tely wonderful Damara. I am very happy to hear that.  
AA: shut up.  
CT: 8==D< Pardon?  
AA: i no listen to ponyboy.  
AA: i quit alpha team.  
AT: Wa1t what?  
AT: What 1s go1ng on Damara, what happened?  
AA: my team fucking blows.  
AA: I rather be in team with karkat.  
AA: not best team too, but he understand.  
GC: sh1t d4mz, thos3 4r3 som3 h4rsh words you g1v1ng >8(  
CC: JUST )(OLD A GLUBBIN SEACOND!  
CC: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE S)(OUTY WOULD TAKE YOU AS MATESPRIT BUT NOT ME.  
CC: I DEMAND PYROPE DO T)(E MINDY T)(ING!  
AA: we not matesprits fish woman.  
AA: we moirails.  
CA: wvhat?  
CA: that wvasn’t the deal!  
AA: wvasn’t it?  
AA: we agree to play for quadrant. i get quadrant. i win.  
CA: judges help me out here?  
TA: 15 TRU3 45HOL3.   
TA: M3G1DOH FUCNKN OWNS UR 455!!  
CA: crud.  
GA: She is co+rrect. I had no+ticed as well and co+nsidered go+ing fo+r black.  
GA: It never o+ccurred to me to+ attempt and go+ fo+r his pale quadrant.  
AG: Also, Damara. I couldn’t help 8ut notice........ You are not typing in characters anymore.  
AG: Is this a permanent thing?  
AA: karkat suggest I learn alternian good.  
AA: we jam better if I talk like he is.   
AA: also make you understand I.  
AG: It is ‘me’ in that context, 8ut I applaud the effort.  
AA: thank you.  
AA: but game stop now I win.  
AA: you try game with moirail again and I cut you.  
AA: no joke.  
AA: i make tumor bomb look like firecracker.  
TA: BU7 175 FUN!  
AA: it mean. be honest with moirail or i will end you.  
AA: no more going back goings behind.  
AG: *Going 8ehind the 8ack or your moirail you mean?  
AA: yes  
AG: You know, if you wanted to learn western Alternian, all you had to do was ask.  
AA: i know.  
AA: i was wrong too.  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT LEAVING OUR TEAM DAMARA?!  
AA: yes.  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ BUT WHY?!  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ YOU ARE SINKING SO MANY SHIPS RIGHT NOW!!  
AA: you bad for me.  
AA: me bad for you.  
AA: I not am trusting rufioh and peixes.  
AA: rufioh and peixes am not trusting I.  
AC: \\(=O..O=)/ THAT’S NOT TRUE!  
CA: wvell it kinda is  
AC: \\(=>..<=)/ YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!  
AT: Well, 1 d1d say you needed a mo1ra1l…  
AT: Just d1dn’t expect th1s…  
AA: you get over it.  
AA: you have matesprit.  
AT: Yeah, 1 guess…  
AA: we talk later maybe.  
AA: now I have jam of feelings.  
AA:さようなら偽物

**\-- antisocialArbiter [AA] left memo--**

CA: okay so…..  
CA: wvould it make me vwery superfiscial if i said i lost all interest in vwantas the moment he became megido’s shooshtoy?  
AG: Yes. Yes it would.  
CA: then i will not say it.  
CT: 8==D< May I speak again?  
AT: Sure Horuss…  
CC: whale im still pissed.  
CC: the fuck does megido think she’s doin? pappin with nubs mcshouty.  
AC: \\(=^..^=)/ I’M ACTUALLY REALLY GLAD FOR HER. I REALLY THINK SHE NEEDS A GOOD MOIRAIL.  
AC: \\(=TT..TT=)/ I’M JUST SO SAD THAT SHE LEAVES US.  
GA: There there Meulin. I am sure she will resume her relatio+n with us o+nce she has herself so+rted o+ut.  
GC: 1m just 4 l1ttl3 p1ss3d th4t sh3 got such 4 r4d 3x1t.  
GC: m3g1do got r34l to the m4x b4ck th3r3.  
AT: Yeah, 1 suppose…  
AT: 1 th1nk th1s m1ght actually be the best for her…  
CT: 8==D< I am STRONGly convinced she will be back once she has been shooshed and papped to the point she can stand being around us again.  
AT: 1m sure you are r1ght…  
TA: 5H3 GOTS THOU GOOD!~  
AG: Well then…. All’s well that end’s well, correct?

**\-- cavalierGargarization [CG] joined memo--**

AG: Oh heavens……..  
CG: Y9U PE9PLE DID *WHAT* WITH MY DESCENDANT?!  
CC: *sigh*  
CC: ah fuck.  
GA: Well, this was fun while it lasted….

_Cavaliergargarization is now typing a reply_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does it look like a cop-out? Perhaps. Did I plan this from day 1? Definitely. Could I have foreshadowed it better? Probably.
> 
> I am not entirely sure these two will have a long lasting moiraillegiance, but they will have a relation that benefits both of them. 
> 
> Anyway, this was a lot of fun to do. The Alpha trolls are still horrible people, but by embracing that you can make some good comedy stories. Though I am pretty sure I pissed off at least 1 person by the whole thing I did with Kurloz. D'Oh well.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> Gifs courtesy of [Yugotousatsu](http://blueanddark.deviantart.com).


End file.
